Hours after undergoing a C-section to deliver our first son, still hooked up to an IV and a urinary catheter, still recovering from weeks in the hospital after a traumatic pre-labor experience that involved a dog, overwhelmed with emotion and feeling like my body had been sliced in half and stapled back together, my husband asked about having a second child.
And he wasn’t kidding.
Luckily for him, I couldn’t get out of the hospital bed to strangle him.
There was no way I could even think about a second child. Not after a difficult pregnancy. Not after a C-section. Not after the first couple of weeks, when I thought I would never sleep longer than two hours again in my life.
Moms always say we forget the pain, the suffering, the swollen nipples, the sleepless nights spent Googling every symptom your baby seems to have. We forget it all — and then we have that second or third child.
But I haven’t forgotten yet. I remember every moment spent hugging the toilet, every laborious step to my front door when I was carrying 20 pounds of extra weight, every minute I suffered at the hands of a breast pump, every nap I never got. Oh, I remember.
But now that Landon is almost 9 months old, and he’s crawling (albeit backwards), laughing all the time, napping regularly, eating anything I put in his mouth and sleeping 12 straight hours a night (knock on wood), I have to admit I’m thinking about that second child.
Not because I loved the newborn stage and wish Landon wouldn’t grow up so fast. And not because I’m a glutton for punishment. I’m considering it because I worry about him being an only child — and I don’t know what that will mean.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with onlies. To be sure, many of my friends don’t have siblings and they’re fine. (They don’t like to share, but otherwise, they’re fine.) And a few of my friends decided to have just one child, and they’re raising onlines in glorious fashion.
But my husband and I have siblings — he has a younger brother; I have two sisters and a brother — and we see the value in those relationships.
But there’s a lot to consider on both sides.
For example, the cost. Already, college tuition for one child is going to bankrupt us. Our spending has tripled since Landon, with diapers, wipes, formula, baby food, clothing and toys to buy. We do way more laundry, we sleep far less, we rarely surf. And that’s just with one child.
I have a couple of friends who decided to have just one kid. They rationalized that, with one child, they could provide the best, everything the child needed, with the opportunity to travel, attend private school, enroll in art and music classes, get tutoring. With two, they’d have to sacrifice.
But I have friends who are raising more than one kid — and love it. The kids play together (rather, keep each other occupied), they learn valuable socialization skills, they love each other (most days), they’re not lonely.
It’s a tough decision.
I also have to factor in my age because, quite honestly, I’m older and the chances of me having a healthy child — or just a child in general — are greatly reduced every year I wait. I’m lucky: Landon is healthy, happy, loves to sleep, loves to eat. And he’s cute. That helps.
There’s no guarantee for No. 2.
It’s a hard decision — and one that I have to make quickly.
I’m worried that I won’t know how to raise a well-adjusted kid in general, much less an only child who needs to learn valuable social skills that come from being around others. And I don’t want him to be alone when we’re gone. He doesn’t have many cousins — and none who live here — and that concerns me.
Every day I feel differently. When I see posts on Instagram of sisters on trips or brothers playing in the backyard, my heart swells and I want that for Landon. But when I’m looking at preschool tuition and working on our family budget, I realize we can barely afford this little guy.
So what do I do?
Well, for now, I’m just going to enjoy this phase in Landon’s life, where he has my full and undivided attention. And maybe I’ll go back and read my pregnancy journal. Because maybe I am forgetting after all!
14 Comments
I have three kids, and although we spaced them out for our sanity’s sake, we are so glad we have multiples. For us, trying to give any one child “everything” or “the best” just isn’t how we’d approach things, even if we didn’t have to divvy up our resources. (Why is there so much pressure to do that these days?!) We still travel, attend great schools, and enroll our kids in select extracurricular activities; we just prioritize more and are careful to only do what really matters. It’s very personal and not everyone has the same choices, but we consider our large family the best gift we could give to our children and our family. You find ways to carve out a great life, even when money, time, and patience are all much tighter. And sometimes you realize that buying/doing/having less actually creates wonderful opportunities for living and enjoying more. Good luck as you figure out what works best for your family. It’s a very personal decision, and there are no rights or wrongs with it! 🙂
I say go for it! A second baby . Your life will be crazy but siblings are important!
This is exactly everything that fills my mind ALL the time! My daughter is 21 mo, has only 1 or 2 cousins we hardly see and certainly the love of my life. I want so badly for her to have a sibling but oh, I remember everything. Worst thing is she still isn’t sleeping through the night – I can’t even imagine being pregnant and getting up 2-3x a night. I think if she were sleeping well I’d be pregnant already…..oh I’m so torn !!!
Ditto! Isn’t is amazing how quickly and how many people ask about the 2nd baby? I’m right there with you: one child almost 2-years old and not sure about a baby no. 2. I’m asked regularly about the next one. What to do, what to do??!? Thanks for sharing what many moms are feeling and thinking.
I have 2 kids, a daughter and a son, perfect! They are 5 years apart on purpose so they both wouldn’t be in college at the same time and my daughter would be old enough to help when my son was born. I know your situation is different because time is not on your side but it was the right choice for us.
Wanting your first chilld to have a sibling is not a good enough reason to bring a human being into the world. Plus not everybody gets along with their siblings, even as adults. We are just having one kid. I feel bad about that too for my son, but I don’t think that’s a reason to have another child. Every child should be wanted.
I have three kids. Age 25 through almost 31 I was was either pregnant, nursing or both! But I was so young…had so much energy! I also didn’t have any idea what I was getting myself into. NONE! I romanticized it all. They were and still are totally worth suffering for and a lot of joy too!
You’re older than I was and so much more mature, much more wise. You’re considering all your options but in the end the heart wants what it wants. Don’t let fear stop you or motivate you either. Go with that deep down knowing – you’re intuition. Trust yourself in spite of circumstance. By the way, he is super cute!
Maybe fate will decide for you as it did for us. We struggled for 5 years to have our first at 39. 25 months later our second was bought to us wether we were ready or not. I was thrilled and my husband was just surprised. I remember every detail of my first pregnancy and subsequent delivery, recovery and the following two years. I often wonder what compels people to have children, I still do, but I do love my children dearly. Maybe that’s why? I can’t say.
I’m the oldest of 8 kids and the only female and I only had one child. For a long time I didn’t want any children then when I decided one would be perfect it was a difficult process overcoming my natural infertility. My daughter is much loved (now 43 years old) and has 3 adopted kids of her own. I guess she really wanted a sibling but I didn’t know it. I would say listen to your heart and do what’s right for you and your husband. There is nothing wrong with an only child but having more than one is great too!
I have never been a “baby pusher”. My philosophy is: If you want kids, great and if you don’t, that’s great, too. I have two of them and I almost didn’t have my 2nd. Your post resonated with me because I was in exactly the same position several years ago. My daughter gave me 14 weeks of morning sickness, a 30 hour labor, and then she decided to be colicky and not sleep for a year. I am not exaggerating, she only slept in about 1 to 2 hours stretches her first year of life. Getting her to nap was nearly impossible, and when she did, it was never more than an hour. It was the most miserable year of my life because when she was not sleeping, she was crying or just wanting to be an ‘opihi on me. When she finally, at 15 months, started sleeping through the night, I felt like I was a different person. And vowed to never have another child. I was traumatized! But my husband chipped away and somehow got me to agree to just THINK about having another one. Then, I got pregnant, was super sick with morning sickness and miscarried at 9 weeks. I was so done. I cried to my doctor that I couldn’t go through that again. It didn’t seem fair, that I had finally agreed to have another one only to lose it. However, once again, my husband chipped away at me and I got pregnant. This pregnancy gave me hyperemesis…the extreme version of morning sickness. I could not even keep water down. I ended up in the ER twice for fluids and finally was put on a home IV for a month. It was absolute misery. I was so nauseous and sick, I was bed-bound. I could not drive and I could not even leave the bedroom because any smell would make me vomit. This lasted for 5 months and finally, most of it went away and I could eat and drink (although water was still hard to drink). 15 hours of labor and my son was born. He was a little better than my daughter in terms of sleep, but still a fussy baby. Fast forward to today. Daughter is 9 years old and son is 5 years old. I don’t regret making the decision to have another, as hard as it all was. I think you would regret it more if you didn’t have one. You never really regret your children. They may drive you absolutely crazy, piss you off, make you want to jump off a very high cliff, but at the end of the day, you still love them with every fiber of your being and you don’t really regret having them (I think). Kids get better with age, even if the challenges are different. It took a long time, but I am back to surfing as much as a mom with 2 kids can. I just thought I’d give you perspective from someone who didn’t have the easiest of pregnancies or babies. I won’t lie, it’s hard. But I am glad I decided to do it. Hope this helps a little!
Just have some fun and see what happens. When the machine is working good it will be good.
I loved Jillian’s response!
The idea that families with more children somehow have “lesser” opportunities or have to sacrifice is a fear based myth. As the parents, we decide the nature of our household and the experiences we invite into our lives. Sure, finances have a role – but that falls on personal priorities. We have chosen to give our kids a rich, interest based education, at least for the first several years of schooling- so we will save thousands some spend of private school. We will always prioritize international travel, so you likely won’t see expensive furniture or ever see us remodel our home. In other words, we chose to have a big family but we won’t give up on the life experiences we want- just have to funnel our resources properly 🙂
My firstborn had severe sleep disorder, so her first two years were a sleep deprived blur– but that season is gone and I’m so glad we still went ahead and added her brother, and much later her sister.
It’s a deeply personal decision, but don’t base it on the myth that you won’t be able to do as much with more.
I find I’m able to do many things because they entertain each other and they are not looking to me as a playmate.
Love your thoughts and writing!
Cats are plenty (for a catlady like me). Ok?
My two children, born 17 months apart, are 20 and 21 years old now. I honestly have to say that the best thing in either of their lives so far has been the close relationship that they have with each other.
I’m 1 of 5 siblings, and my wife is 1 of 9 in her family. None of my sibling relationships were as close as those of my children’s with each other and the comfort and joy they have brought to each other. I believe that the same is true of my wife – our two children do more for each other emotionally than any relationship that she had with her 8 siblings.
Because ours came so close together – my wife was was still nursing our daughter when she got pregnant with our son – I can hardly remember my daughter being a lone child. Two isn’t much more difficult than one on a tough day, and on good days it’s more than twice the fun of one.