The other day I was talking with a few friends who are parents — and the subject of spanking came up.
One said she spanks. It’s her way of disciplining her three-year-old. Nothing hard, nothing violent. Just a swift pat on her child’s backside and that’s it.
This sparked a heated debate about the virtues — or lack thereof — of this seemingly old-school technique.
One of my other friends decided to avoid spanking — she just uses the threat of it — on her two kids. “I don’t see the point of getting physical with my kids,” she said, matter-of-factly. “There’s really no need.”
I was the only single, childless one in the conversation — so I stayed completely out of it. I mean, what do I know about raising kids?
But it was interesting how heated this topic can get, especially online. Google “spanking” — and another appropriate keywords like “parenting” or “kids,” otherwise you’ll get an interesting selection of, ahem, other sites — and you’ll find wildly varying opinions on the subjects.
Some believe it’s an effective discipline tool; others say it’s flat-out child abuse. I even read an article in Time from 2009 that pointed to research showing kids who got spanked may have lower IQs.
Most of us can tell stories about getting spanked — or dirty lickings — as a kid. Some of us have been struck by belts, sticks, even rubber slippers.
I can’t say these were my fondest memories of childhood — but I don’t think they’ve scarred me for life, either.
It seems parents these days — or at least the ones I know — are hesitant to spank their children. What changed with our generation? Are we the “victims” of spanking and don’t want to “victimize” our own kids? Have we been spooked by lawsuits, child protective services, jail time, episodes of “Oprah” and now avoid any physical contact with anyone, including our kids? Or are we just more educated, more patient, more involved with our children that spanking has become a last-resort option?
What’s your take on this?
11 Comments
Growing up if I got into trouble, I’d first get “spanked”or disciplined by my oldest sister, since the “infractions” usually occurred when playing with her kids (my nephews)–her kids and I were close in age. Then I’d get it from her husband when he came home (long story, but he was a disciplinarian father figure)… and then I’d get it a third time when my mom came home from work (she was a single mom by this point).
I remember taking a stand on how it was not fair that I’d get spanked three times for getting into trouble. It blew me away when they all agreed and said that the first spanking I got would be the only one.
Also, going to school in the midwest in the 70s/80s, I received my fair share of paddling from the teachers and coaches. I probably got paddled on average 4 times per school year from elementary through senior year. And I that was a light average compared to some.
I’ll say this, spanking in whatever form sure kept me in line. If I were to have kids, I think I would probably “not” want to spank my child. But, you can’t deny the affect it has on discipline. But is it worth it? Hmmm…
As for IQs, not to toot my horn, but as someone who’s received corporal punishment often growing up, I’ll match my IQ up against “any” of these researchers, LOL!
So, to I would say to use other disciplinary actions first, but if needed, use spanking sparingly.
I got disciplined as did my siblings by my mom, sometimes severly. I know she got disciplined by her mom even worse. Myself, I think I had to spank my daughters only twice while they were growing up. They turned out as good as any parent could want; grad high school, grad college (in 4 years, lol) and now hold very successful jobs and have purchased a home in San Diego. Did spanking help? I don’t know, they were “good” kids so I really can’t say.
My feeling on it is this: If you’re going to use corporal punishment then use it sparingly and wisely, never out of anger. And if you say you’re going to spank your child then follow through with it. Your kids will never take you seriously if you don’t. If you draw a line in the sand and they cross it there has to be a consequence.
No, just don’t do it. Far better to understand what caused the behavior you didn’t like and reach an understanding.
Hello Cat, I never spanked my kids, talking to them in a firm voice and not yelling at them worked for me. They both turned out to be great kids and honor roll students in high school.
Hey Cat … I don’t have children, either … but lots of nieces, nephews, cousins kids, friends kids, etc … and I see a lot of misbehavior … sometimes talking and reasoning works … but sometimes, no matter how hard they try, nothing works … talking doesn’t work, time-outs don’t work, groundings don’t work … then it becomes a dilemma … what do you do when nothing else seems to work??? …
… I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong answer …
… and let’s face it … some parents are more fortunate than others … some have kids that are just plain good kids and well-behaved … some have kids who respond without spanking …
… but some have “kids from hell” … sorry for that expression … but you know what I mean …
… I think I know what I’d do … but I’m not a parent, yet … so what do I know??? … and my opinion might change if I had children …
We are open to it in the quick-slap-on-the-hand way, but honestly, it has not been the most effective way to discipline and so it is rarely used. Time outs, restricting priviliges, and reasoning with the kids have been more effective and resulted in long-term improvements in behaviors.
We try to avoid endless negotiating or empty threats (like your friend, who’ll threaten it but won’t follow through); parents still have to be the authorities and kids who test limits are often needing (and wanting) a little firm guidance. After all, no one’s happy when tempers are flaring and behaviors are out of control. I think spanking can be OK when used intelligently and with total calm, but that’s hard to do, so I try to find more constructive ways to discipline and maintain authority as a parent.
Threatening to spank with no intention to follow through is, IMO, the worst of both worlds.
WRT lower IQs, I think it’s more important for kids to be well-behaved, and to grow up to be responsible adults, than to have a high IQ.
I have two teenage children, and I was raised in a very violent household. Just my opinion, but I consider spanking a child to be bullying and to teach the wrong lesson if used regularly. I proposed to my wife when our children first started acting independently that we only strike them in very rare circumstances and only on the rear, so as not to do any physical damage. We limited spanking to situations involving danger, such as if one of them would let go of my hand and dash toward a street with traffic. We needed to do this maybe a total of three times between two children. My kids are now 14 and 15, and I still consider an adult striking in anger a 50 pound child to be nothing more than bullying and a bit cowardly. It just isn’t necessary.
Crankum, then when you giveum da eye, dey going react to what you wanted.
Great article! Now this is my two cents on this subject…
I worked as a childcare provider for over ten years. From my personal experience, when children are spanked by their parents, it only brings about negative conseqences.
1) The children that were spanked took out their frustrations on their siblings. They were very physical, just like their parents, whenever they got mad. Kids learn by example, so they were modeling the same behavior.
2) Children who are spanked tend to have a negative outlook on authority. Therefore, it makes it that much tougher for anyone to discipline them. Since they haven’t been shown any respect (how can you possibly respect someone that you’re hitting?), they have a difficult time respecting others.
3) Plain and simple, spanking a child will only foster resentment. Who in their right minds wouldn’t resent a person that hits them regularly? Why would any loving parent want this kind of relationship with their child? For those that spank (and possibly abuse) their kids, the tables will turn someday. That child will grow up to be the adult that will care for you in your later years. They may very well choose to show you a lack of compassion as you did to them.
4) As a childcare provider, it is unconscionable to spank or use any form of physical discipline. Yet, the children that I cared for were incredibly well behaved. That’s because I treated them with respect, even when there were times of conflict. Talking to a child, explaining why they shouldn’t do something or why they’re in trouble at the moment, will educate them in ways that a spanking never will.
Please think twice before laying a single hand on a child… my mother not only spanked, but was abusive to me, and we haven’t spoken in over fifteen years. If you want a lifelong relationship with your child, treat them the way you would want to be treated.
Each individual child reacts differently to disciplinary action. I agree with rayboyjr. Sometimes talking works and sometimes it doesn’t. Depends on the child and situation at hand, so to speak.
That said, I remember getting the metal end of the garden hose to my gluteus maximus from my father. And he was the most respected and loved father any child could have. I think I turned out decent also.
As for the garden hose love taps, I deserved it.
Love you dad.