Question: Dear Dr. Dish, I’ve been dating this woman for a year and I really want kids but I don’t know if she’s ready to be a mother. She does want to have kids (we spent four hours talking about that) but she is a bit self-centered about things. Like she does not like sacrificing time to do things for others. She won’t even reschedule her Pilates class to go to her sister’s daughter’s 8th birthday! Is she not cut out to be a mom?
Answer: It’s hard for me to say that she’s not mom material, especially since I don’t know her at all. But I will say that parents — not just moms — will have to make a lot of sacrifices to make a family work. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that just because right now your girlfriend focuses a lot on herself that she wouldn’t make a good mom.
When you’re single, you can be as selfish as you want. It’s just you. And in fact, a lot of people will purposely focus on themselves, especially if they’ve spent a lot of time doing things for other people (and not enough for them). That’s particularly true of people who are newly single; they just want to do all the things they didn’t do while they were in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean that when the time comes to be a parent, they won’t rearrange their lives and schedules to accommodate a new family.
Like for me, I’m busybusybusy. Sometimes I forget to eat. (Yes, it’s true!) But that doesn’t mean that I’ll continue this crazy lifestyle — surfing in the early morning hours, attending meetings, hanging out at the dog park for hours, working out at midnight, blogging at 1 a.m. — if I had kids. My priorities would change and I’d make it work.
You really need to talk with her about this. It’s not my place to say whether she’ll be a good mom or not. But you should consider selfishness — if that’s what this is — a red flag. But don’t let that be your deciding factor.
Anyone else?
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To read all of Cat’s blogs, visit www.nonstophonolulu.com/thedailydish. Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at [email protected].
20 Comments
This is true! I know a lot of people who totally adjusted to parenthood once they had a baby. In some cases, they did a 180 degree change on their lifestyle, practically overnight.
@Melissa808 You have to! So I hate to discount anyone just because, as singletons, they’re busy and preoccupied. People can change!
Cat, you’ld make a fabulous mom!
@Ron I wonder if our parenting skills are reflected in how we take care of our dogs. If that’s true, my kids will be hikers and surfers! 🙂
@Cat @Ron Nah, I don’t think so. We open the car door and the dogs jump inside. Kids aren’t like that. You work it up to the point where the kid basically understands that he has to open his own car door. You wind up teaching dogs new tricks. You teach kids life.
“But you should consider selfishness — if that’s what this is — a red flag.” ….. I think you make a very good point here. The fact that she would not reschedule her Pilates class so that she could attend her sister’s daughter’s birthday is a definite red flag in my mind.
@Eric I feel bad actually saying that since I don’t really know the situation… but it does seem strange to me that Pilates is more of a priority than family. Then again, I don’t know what truly happened, so it’s hard for me to say.
@Cat @Eric — Yup… not enough info. But what info we have really paints a bad picture on the niece’s party issue.
Hello Cat!
I agree with what to are saying. Having kids is a change of life style. Your priorities change, habits change, sleeping hour changes, it’s a big commitment. and responsibility.
@M Huge huge huge! Which is why I have dogs and not kids. 🙂
i agree w/ ur advice.
First of all, you did not say how old either of you were. Also, at this point, dating her a little longer before making a long term commitment would be in your best interest unless you are ready to get married. I think even the people you think might be good parents may not be. It is hard to judge someone based on one incident, though I do agree it is strange she would not give up an exercise class for a birthday party. You also have to remember that even when someone becomes a parent, they are allowed to have their own individual interests. I have two boys, and some days I feel like I’m the world’s worst mother. Nobody is perfect. You can’t say she will not be a good parent. She has indicated she wants children. But there is more. Do you have the same values? Do you agree how to raise your children? What about discipline? Will you both both continue to work after having children or do you want her to stay home (or you stay home)? Not sure what you discussed in those 4 hours, but you can get a feeling if this person would be the kind of mother you’d like for your children. There is nothing wrong dating a little longer. Or maybe suggest you both take her niece out for the day to see how she interacts with her. That might be more telling than anything else.
@islandgirlinnc — Yeah, the age omission in the question makes giving a qualified answer an exercise in futility. No one I know “seemed” like they’d make a good parent when they were young adults… and as others have said, once they had the kid, they were transformed into totally different people who made kids their priority.
Dump this gal … she is more into herself than anyone …
ahem, as a parent, now of a grown son, let me offer the following: THAT is the Kyuuuuutest widdle baby you’re holding.!!
@turkfontaine I agree too 🙂
@Ynaku @turkfontaine Seriously cute!
Cat, with pets, like dogs, you have to take care of it for the rest of the pets life. You have to feed it, bathe it, clean up after it, take it for a walk. With kids they grow up, become adults and take care of them self.
Probably not enough information to make a call on this one. Everyone is so different about the subject of kids. My son was born when I was 43. Up until then I had zero interest in having a kid. Now, I wish I had a dozen. There is nothing more rewarding in life. Frankly though if you are not ready it is not a good idea. I just knew when I changed and was ready. Some never do. It had nothing to do with being selfish, it was all about whether I felt I could do a good job of it. I know that sounds like comparing it to work which is in many ways not right but it does require a lot of effort, you just need to be ready as in looking forward to that effort 🙂 If you are ready now and she is not doesn’t mean things won’t change, just maybe not in a time frame you are happy with. And frankly it is part of the compatibility equation.
its an 8th bday party! not like a 1st bday party. does she seriously need to go to every single one of her neice’s bday parties? she has better things to do than eat cake and watch 8 yr olds run around wild. this doesn’t mean she’ll make a bad mom.