Initially, I blogged about feeling overwhelmed. But I’ve decided to change directions with this post and turn it into a Great Debate. Read on.
I feel overwhelmed, like, all the time.
I work full time, take care of two dogs, volunteer for a couple of nonprofits and fit freelance into whatever remaining hours I have.
And I’m not even the busiest of my friends!
I have girlfriends who do everything I do — plus raise kids, take care of their parents, run marathons and somehow manage to keep their hair and nails looking great.
It occurred to me that there’s this pressure on women to do it all, to be Super Woman, to be the perfect mother and wife and employee and friend. We have to be at meetings on time, prepared with PowerPoints and perfectly edited reports. We have to plan the office birthday parties and throw baby showers for our coworkers. We have to plan potlucks for our kids, pay the bills on time, shop for groceries, wash the clothes and, on top of that, maintain (or fake it) the 25-year-old figure we haven’t seen in 10 years.
Is this fair?
I thought about this the other night when I caught a glimpse at the trailer for the new movie, “I Don’t Know How She Does It,” starring Sarah Jessica Parker.
The movie is based on Allison Pearson’s bestseller by the same name, in which Parker plays a high-achieving Manhattan woman who’s juggling everything from her career — she’s the breadwinner — to faking a store-bought mince pie to look homemade.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjQIv1KI59s
Here’s the movie trailer
We all know women like that. The coworker who seems to meet all her deadlines — early — and still have time to chair several committees, coach her daughter’s soccer team and bake a mean bread pudding. Or the friend who can juggle motherhood, two jobs and finish law school — and still keep her body fat percentage in single digits.
We may not like these people — on the grounds of pure envy, of course — but we strive to be like them.
I wonder: do men feel this same pressure? Do men feel this need to be the perfect dad, husband, brother, coworker, friend? Are men programmed the way women are, to feel this urge to do it all?
What do you think?
36 Comments
Hey Cat: … in a word … hell yeah I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed that I’ve just too much things to tend to and not enough time to get to them and yet I find myself doing other things that put me farther behind in the things that I really have to get done …
… sometimes … I wish I could just clear my plate and start over again …
… you know, stick to things I really enjoy … and not so much stuff that give me added stress … getting through life is stress enough dontcha think?!! …
I made a list the other night of all the things I want and need to do. It got so long I stopped. It was depressing!
Cat, I am sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed with all that you have going on in your life at the moment. I often times wondered how in the heck you did it all, but alas you are human and need a break as anyone in your situation would. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I am not overwhelmed and that everything I have going on is adequate and achievable. That being said I have had to give up allot to be where I am now, rearrange my priorities and from an overall behavior standpoint I had to make some pretty tough changes to adapt to the world around me. I was just having this discussion with a friend today, about how we have to make behavioral changes in order to adjust to all that life expects from us.
At the end of the day, all we can do is live our lives to the fullest and try and do what we can knowing that eventually we are going to fail at some aspect and more then likely let someone down. But this is just part of life and since we only have one life to live no sense wasting any time feeling overwhelmed, instead should shift our energies into feeling good about all that we have accomplished!
I’m glad to hear that you’re not overwhelmed. That actually makes me happy — to know that it’s possible! 🙂
I’m at the point where I need to, like you, rearrange my priorities. I’m working on it. Maybe next weekend — since this one’s booked.
The overwhelmed feeling is not limited to one gender… we all get that way sometimes… As far as who has it harder, that’s a tough one… but to me, it’s all about being able to live your life. How do people do it? They do it because they want to. They’ll find the time and the energy to do all the things they want to if t hey’re REALLY things that they want to do… If you ask those “super-people” how they do it, they’ll probably say “oh it’s not that hard” it’s not hard when you enjoy what you’re doing… Just my two cents… (and now I’m poor)
I remember a quote by Jamie Lee Curtis when someone asked her how she does it all. She responded, “I don’t sleep.” I can totally relate!
I feel overwhelmed by work most days. About once or twice per week, I feel overwhelmed by other things as well. I don’t try to do it all or get it all perfect, and I can look around and see that I have things humming along better than some others do. I try not to compare myself to others, but when I am overwhelmed it seems to help to see that I am not the only one, and maybe I can help another person out who needs help more than I do.
Hang in there. You seem like you are doing great. Sometimes it just takes a new hairstyle or a change of routine to give us a boost and change our outlook a bit.
A new hairstyle! LOL! Now that’s something I haven’t prioritized since the ’90s!
I totally hear you Cat. The overwhelmed feeling for me comes from not being able to do it all and feeling like I have failed. The house has to be clean, the kids have to be clean and cute and mannerly and smart, I have to be in shape, clean, smart, stylish, etc etc etc. It is not possible. Let’s blame it on the media! For example, we see Angelina Jolie, thin ( not in shape in my book) beautiful, stylish, her kids are cute. We don’t see that she has several nannies ( you never see them so you don’t know they are there), I am sure a housekeeper, maybe a cook. I doubt she is out there mowing her lawn and pulling weeds. She doesn’t shop for her clothes, she has a stylist. Somewhere tho we get the idea we have to “measure up” and we can’t.
A big thing for me was I had a friend who stayed in shape and her house was always clean. I felt inadequate. Come to find out, she parked her kids in front of the tv so they wouldn’t mess up the house by playing ( gasp!) and so she could work out. We have to prioritize what is important to us ( and dare I add, what is actually important!) and realize that we can’t do everything and that is ok! No one else can do everything either! When someones marriage fails because that got up on the back burner, or their kids are out running the streets at night because Mom is at the gym…. then we realize they weren’t handling it all.
My house will be clean when my kids are grown. It is much more important to spend time with them and nurture them at this stage in our lives.
You are doing great, Cat! Give yourself permission to not try to do everything and to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Do what you need to do ( work to pay your bills) and do what makes you happy or fills a need in your life. The rest of it…let it go.
That’s so true. People are never what they appear. I’ve learned that. Some folks think my life is roses, too, and it’s a lot of work! I don’t get enough sleep, I don’t see my friends as much as I’d like, I don’t watch as much reality TV as it may appear! So yeah, you’re totally right!
Thanks for your words of wisdom. Trust me, I’m taking all this to heart!
Hello Cat, it’s the opposite at home, I’m the one doing most of the things in the home and outside of the home too.
You are? That’s cool! Actually, Derek is quite the at-home guy, too. He cooks, cleans, folds laundry, walks the dogs. Boy do I miss him!
Most of us have been there, if you really didn’t enjoy what you do it woulld not be possible. I know there is no way I could manage all you doThere was a time…several breakdowns ago. Now i just let it ride like water off a ducks back.
I do enjoy it, actually, and maybe that’s the problem. I need more hours in the day!
Many men absolutely feel just as much, if not more, pressure than many women. There was recently a TIME cover story about the division of labor and familial responsibilities that touched on it. I don’t think it makes sense here to compare men vs. women; the roles within each are so varied. Why keep fueling the us vs. them mentality? Life seems tough for most everyone these days.
Personally, I think we sometimes need to take more responsibility for what ends up on our plates. Many of us have more control over our workloads than we think. When I can, I work less to make more time to relax or I sacrifice something professionally to be a better mom. I don’t expect to be everything to everyone at once, and I hope my husband doesn’t either. It takes courage to step out of the rat race, but life can be much more meaningful when we do.
True, true. I saw that cover. But I was just curious why women — according to research, surveys and polls — FEEL more overwhelmed or stressed. There must be a reason. I don’t doubt men and women have similar workloads. But women FEEL more overwhelmed. It’s interesting, no?
Who has the time to be an over achiever?
Exactly!
Into the fray he wades carefully knowing what a politically charged topic this one is… At the height of my busiest moments on this planet the hardest thing to deal with was arguing over whether the toilet seat was up or down, who did the most work around the house, or whether the top was screwed all the way on the toothpaste. My view was you just kept working until everything was done. It was apparent to me we were both too busy, and for what? To own yet another house, another car, or another boat? But at no point did I ever feel like I was doing either to little or too much. and frankly from the outside the couples i saw that were arguing about who was doing what were both working really hard and they should have been more appreciative of each other. I do believe women feel more overwhelmed than men do, notice I said feel. Both are overwhelmed but most men feel it comes with over-achievement and the more ‘overwhelmed we are the happier we are.Every now and then we all meet couples that are out of balance with one person working way harder than their partner. But it is way rarer than people think it is. Now here is what I see happening a lot. When one person feels overwhelmed male or female they seem to want to make the other person feel bad. I’ve never understood this. But it does seem to be human nature to think that members of the opposite sex are not pulling their weight. One thing is for sure, you could always have a different life. You could always settle for less and have way less to do. But is that what you want? So I have to ask this question. Why is it that the USA is falling behind in every measurable category when everyone feels so overworked?
These days I have balance, but I wish I was way busier. I think what makes us have less is this overpowering drive to want to do more. And you’d think we were smart enough to know better.
Balance is my goal, too. Except I think my gauge for what that is is off. Does that make sense?
Yes it does. It is the fine art of knowing thyself 🙂 and when it comes to that most of us aren’t very objective.
sounds like you need some Real Wisconsin Cheese with that whine……
Fuuuunny!
but seriously folks……when feeling overwelmed, gotta just take a deep breath,remain calm,and do one thing at a time.One by one….and before you know it,you’ll be back on top of things.And sometimes put everything on the back burner and go for a run or surf.Clears the head,great stress relief,and garners focus. Sometimes beer can really help too……
procrastination can be an amazing strategy…..
Has anyone else noticed how much the guy in the Hataraki Man commercial on KIKU looks like Derek?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiD1nrX-IsU&NR=1
I know. I wanted him to participate in that dance contest. He would’ve WON!
Hey Cat: … damn, I commented before you turned this into a debate … maybe that’s a good thing because I don’t know if it’s a fair debate … it might stir up harsh emotions between the sexes, so that might be bad …
… anyway, here’s my perspective … the other guys here are probably going to blast me for saying this … but it’s just one guys opinion … just mine …
… even with all other stresses being relatively equal … I think women have it harder … mainly because women have to deal with men … there I said it … and I think that’s all I’ll say … and go into hiding for a little while …
Ray, when your wife or s.o. goes into the other room, feel free to say what you “really” want to say! All us guys recognize the “influenced” opinion, hahahaha!
No, really though, I don’t see how anyone can determine one or the other has it harder. See my comment below.
Max … haha! … how’d ya know? … yeah, well I may have been ever so slightly influenced by the women in my life (mom, sisters, friends, co-workers included) …
… and I do agree … I don’t think it’s a fair comparison of who has it harder …
… perspective and circumstance makes a hell of a difference …
Sorry I pulled a switcheroo on you!
No debate.
Depends on the person. I don’t think gender-based roles or responsibilities sway it one way or the other… it all depends on the individual and what they choose to take on.
multi-tasking everyday (24 days, 7 days a week, 365 days a year) = burn out; take time off (from men or women); a sabbatical, a staycation, a vacation or a little time off from your “to do list” to pamper yourself.from all of your worries. Meditate, do some yoga, pilates, zumba dancing, a licensed massage parlor (no, not those massage parlors on Young St. !), play some calming music (a waterfall, rainforest birds chirping, the ocean) to wind down and put the cell phone on vibrate and unhook the landline phone cord. Have some deep sleep without any noises or outside distractions…
I need to put all of those things — minus the massage parlor — on my to-do list, STAT!
One takes time out and does things for everyone that he/she knows (friends, acquaintances, relatives), but this person never has time out for his/herself.
Joining this debate a litte late; but, generally speaking, I’m inclined to say that women have it harder. Kind of.
Historically speaking (pre-“modern woman”), women were expected to keep the house clean, cook, raise the children, entertain, and maintain familial relationships. Men were held to the “high” standard of bringing home the bacon.
In this modern age, many women have joined the workforce alongside their male counterparts. However, I don’t think that all of those historical expectations of domestic duties have changed. It’s not a matter of men not helping with the family; in fact, I think men contribute to domestic duties more than ever. The problem is that when those duties are not being fulfilled, women are concerned with people on the outside (family, friends, colleagues, etc.) thinking, “why does she not have her house in order?” Men, not as much. That’s why I learned to take a break from the day-to-day and just relax.
I dream of a clean house, quiet children, and enough time to fulfill ALL my responsibilities. But, for me, it is a dream. In a related story, within one week of our daughter’s birth, my wife and I had a simultaneous emotional breakdown. I was doing mountainloads of laundry every day, cleaning and reorganizing the house, cooking, changing diapers, and taking care of my recovering wife. She was struggling with feeding the baby and spending the rest of the time nurturing her. Neither of us was sleeping. Our actions complemented one another. Unfortunately, she felt I wasn’t spending enough time emotionally connecting with our baby and I felt she didn’t care about our physical needs. We worked it out after a good cry, but it was a good reminder that we need to keep manageable expectations so we don’t get completely overwhelmed.