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It actually does get better

By Catherine Toth Fox • February 6, 2017 • Musings

I’m sitting here typing while my little 9-week-old is staring at a plastic turtle filled with colorful beads.

He can sit here long enough for me to wash dishes, fold laundry, Swiffer the living room, scarf a milkshake and browse YouTube for different ways to use a ring sling. (This is exactly what I did today.)

I couldn’t have even imagined this would be possible last month.

Last month, if you recall, I was a mess. I felt defeated and helpless. I never thought I’d get three straight hours of sleep ever again. And I certainly didn’t think my baby would occupy himself long enough for me to get anything done.

While I didn’t believe it at first, I’m happy to report that yes, it does get easier.

A week into his second month, my baby is alert and responsive, he’s interested in the world around him, he actually looks at me (and not just my boobs… boys…) and — the best part — smiles. Oh, those smiles are such sweet rewards for weeks of no sleep, painful nipples and feeling like I’m trapped in this house.

Part of the change is biological: He’s older, his body is growing, his brain is developing. His digestion system seems to be working much better. (No more writhing and suffering.) He can entertain himself. He looks at and responds to us. All this makes a huge difference.

And the other part is us: We’re finally getting it. We’ve learned his different cries. We’ve figured out that babies needs to nap regularly. And we stopped stressing about the little stuff. He wants to sleep in the Fisher-Price Rock ‘N Play sleeper? Let him! He needs to be carried a little longer before going to bed? Go ahead!

Every parent, every expert, every website, every book advises something — and it’s all over the place: Don’t rock your baby to sleep. You can’t spoil a baby. Breast is best. A fed baby is a happy baby. Feed on demand. Put your baby on a schedule. Don’t use a pacifier. Use a pacifier. It’s confusing and overwhelming, especially for a desperate, hopeless new parent.

And, like I did to get pregnant, I tried everything. I tried feeding on demand. (It didn’t work because I wasn’t napping him at all.) I swaddled. (That worked, but the Halo Sleepsack Swaddle didn’t.) We used a co-sleeper, then a bassinet, then a crib — all in the same week! I sampled different formulas, different bottles, different breast pumps. I have every kind of pacifier ever invented. I browsed more parenting websites and message boards than I knew existed. I called and texted every mother I knew, begging for help and advice, sometimes at 1 in the morning. And every single one responded — they’ve been here before, too — with very helpful suggestions, always ending with something along the lines of, “This worked for me, but it may not work for you” and “Good luck!”

Mothers know. No matter what you do, what you read, what you try, you will never know what’ll work. And what works with one child may not work — maybe almost never work — with another. So, basically, you’re screwed.

It’s like we’re raising this kid using trial-by-error — and, in a lot of ways, we are.

And it’s OK.

We still have a lot more to learn — like how to get him to sleep through the night. (He slept for five straight hours last night, so that’s progress!) And we still have moments of frustration, when we can’t figure out what he wants or needs. But, for the most part, we’re getting better at sticking to a schedule, getting him to sleep on his own and managing life with three hours of sleep.

And when I start to feel like life as I knew it is completely over, he smiles at me and I remember: a new life has only just begun.

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About the Author

Catherine Toth Fox

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6 Comments

  • Reply M February 6, 2017 at 2:36 pm

    Hello Cat, it’s a learning process everyday, what works and what doesn’t work. If you have another child, it’s going to different and a new learning curve. In the end it’s all good and worth it.

    • Reply Catherine Toth Fox February 13, 2017 at 9:25 pm

      I’m learning that! Actually, every week he changes. It’s really cool!

  • Reply Jerry Drelling February 6, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    The ticket to long term success, Cat, is to make sure he’s getting enough rest/sleep. When that’s not happening, they start coming apart. It’s a discipline you’ll see will pay off!

    • Reply Catherine Toth Fox February 13, 2017 at 9:25 pm

      You’re totally right — and I’m definitely NOT getting enough sleep. But I don’t know many parents who do!

  • Reply Blaine February 6, 2017 at 10:05 pm

    Welcome, welcome, welcome, to our club. I walked my son for two hours, every single night, for two years, singing him lullabyes and his favorite song, to put him to sleep. It didn’t stop the daily tantrums, but you learn, whatever works, works. I could not be prouder of my son, 22 years later. But there were dark times. I never gave up. I never will give up. It is not in my genes. My boy makes me happy just by existing. There is no other reason. Aloha.

    • Reply Catherine Toth Fox February 13, 2017 at 9:26 pm

      That’s awesome. Thanks for sharing that!

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About Me

About Me
Born and raised on O‘ahu, Hawaiʻi, Catherine Toth Fox has been chronicling her adventures in her blog, The Cat Dish, for more than a decade. She worked as a newspaper reporter in Hawai‘i for 10 years and continues to freelance—in between teaching journalism, hitting the surf and eating everything in sight—for national and local print and online publications. She’s currently the editor of HAWAIʻI Magazine.

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