Every year, for as long as I can remember, I have loved Christmas.
Everything about it. Decorating the tree, sending out Christmas cards, baking cookies, wrapping gifts. I didn’t even mind standing in long check-out lines or driving in circles, looking for parking at the crowded mall.
Nothing could dampen my holiday spirit!
But this year, for some reason, I’m just not feeling it.
Maybe it’s just the strange weather — weirdly enough, I do associate sunshine with Christmas, but look at where I’m from! — or the fact it was a mad rush to Thanksgiving and now I don’t seem to have enough time to get everything done in time for Christmas.
I remember Christmas used to take forever to get here. I would finish all of my shopping in October — yes, I was one of those people — and would set aside an entire weekend for baking massive amounts of cookies. I got my Christmas cards out by Dec. 1, the tree would have up and decorated the weekend after Thanksgiving, and I would have had most of my gifts wrapped by now.
This year, I’m lucky I know what day it is.
I’d like to say that as we all get older, Christmas becomes a complicated thing. It’s not as fun anymore. We have a better sense of what things cost, we’re exhausted from work or raising kids to even think about baking, we don’t want to brave Costco on a weekday let alone a shopping mall during the busiest time of the year. We’re sick of Christmas commercials on TV, Christmas songs playing before Thanksgiving, the complete commercialization of a holiday that seems more about racking up credit card debt than spending time with loved ones.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Add to the above two miscarriages this year (the second happened just after Thanksgiving), some financial stress (bad time for this), and a severe lack of time that gives me a slight panic attack when I think about it.
Suffice it to say, I haven’t been inspired.
It feels like there’s nothing I can do aside from therapy and tequila shots.
The problem is I keep thinking about what I don’t have — and not what I do have. Sure, I can list all the great things in my life — awesome family, supportive husband, great job, ridiculously adorable dogs, hens that lay eggs every day — but it’s hard not to dwell on the negatives, which seem to consume me these days. It’s hard to focus on the silver lining when all you see are the dark clouds.
But I suppose that’s what Christmas is all about — reflecting on the good, hoping for the best, and being thankful for everything else.
As soon as these dark clouds pass and the sun breaks through, maybe I’ll get to Christmas baking. Or maybe I’ll just bake until that happens. Chocolate is like therapy, right?
16 Comments
I am so sorry to hear that you had a second miscarriage. The emotional losses associated with miscarriage can be huge. It is a grieving process after the miscarriage. Accumulative stresses too with job changes, finances and two miscarriages, it is completely understandable not feeling too enthused about Christmas.
Yeah, it’s been rough, especially around this time of the year. (Facebook doesn’t help, with everyone posting their belly bumps and newborns…) But I gotta find a way to enjoy the season. It doesn’t help to mope. 🙁
I never feel for Christmas due to my mother made me grow up fast as a child so Santa was just someone dressed up in a red suit for kids to enjoy not for me. I never get toys like other children just PJ to wear. Have learn to light housework and other thing due I a oldest daughter while my other sibblings enjoyed playing around like a kids still. Now many years later they still think themselves are kids immature.
Hello Cat,
Sorry to hear about your second miscarriage. Everything happens for a reason, maybe something was going wrong and it was aborted.
Sending prayers to you and Kai.
Oh, definitely. It was likely a chromosomal abnormality. Still, it’s frustrating. I don’t have much time anymore… Getting old, you know!
CAT: Just remember, “Life is good”
AMEN. 🙂
Aw man…I didn’t realize you had another miscarriage. I’m sorry about that. I wouldn’t have bothered you texting you and I DEFINITELY wouldn’t have said “You sound like Parkrat!” Oh, wait, maybe I would still have done that.
You hit the nail on the head, though, toward the end of the post. Focusing on what you DO have is so important. Some people don’t even have a man to get pregnant with and have to escape Christmas every year to Las Vegas! Seriously, though…you have many blessings and I hope that becomes more evident in the days to come. And I also believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. We just don’t know it at the time.
In the meantime, maybe step away from the Christmas routine?? Maybe no baking this year. Maybe just make Portuguese bean soup for (ahem) your blogger friends. Maybe escape to Vegas! Sometimes that crazy break in routine can be liberating in different ways.
When are you going to Vegas again…?
LOL. December 23-28. Downtown Vegas is finally bringing in some really awesome, hip trendy restaurants that make it unnecessary to go to The Strip unless you want to.
Hi Cat…I’ve been reading your posts since, well, since it was a column in the Honolulu Advertiser. I just wanted to say that sometimes we think that we should feel a certain way…but that adds extra pressure to our lives. If you are not feeling the holiday spirit, don’t beat yourself up about it. Your hormones might also play a factor in what you’re going through. Be gentle with yourself…allow yourself the space to feel what you feel. Also…having some comfort food might help!
So sorry to hear about your life challenges. I really appreciate all you postings especially your dogs.
Aloha Cat – Jen is right – be gentle with yourself. Take the time to take care of yourself and, perhaps, make a new tradition for Christmas. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I wish you well and will be holding you up in prayer. One of the hardest parts about miscarriage is there is no ceremony and, with all due respect to earlier posters, having people tell you it must have happened for a reason. That may very well be, but it doesn’t lessen the sadness and the what could have been thoughts and feelings – which are all normal.
I would encourage you to talk about your feelings – and for your hubby to do the same. Often it is the SO or hubby or spouse who doesn’t know how much he / she should say – if talking about it will appear to bring more sadness or if talking about it will appear to bring relief and the ability to work through it. I won’t say resolution as I’m not sure there IS resolution, but, instead, with time (and each person has his/her own timetable and there is no right or wrong to THAT), there is ….. whatever time brings…maybe acceptance, maybe a willingness to try again, maybe a Plan B, maybe the ability to talk about it without crying, maybe…it will come…know that…
I will be thinking good thoughts FOR you and the hubby!
Cat – behind in your posts and just read the fertility treatment one – THAT can be a doozy re: emotions being all over the place – inevitable expectations and let downs – and, yes, if not separate waiting rooms, doctors can schedule those trying to conceive on certain days and those who have conceived on other days…
Chocolate IS good therapy – for everything!
Hormones play havoc with our emotions after a miscarriage and fertility treatment. I’ve been there and know it for sure. Be gentle on yourself.
Here’s to a very happy new year! And here’s hoping that third time’s the charm, it was for us at 39 and mother of all miracles again at 41. Don’t give up! I know it’s easy to say when it’s over but don’t! I watched the entire northern exposure series after my mc’s and it was amazingly therapeutic. I am old.