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Someone explain cheating to me

By Catherine Toth Fox • November 14, 2012 • Musings, The Daily Dish

Cheating is everywhere, it seems.

In the White House, on vacation, around the corner of your Orlando, Fla. mansion with your Swedish wife standing over you holding a golf club.

The latest cheating scandal splashed across websites and newspapers the past few days involves four marriages — so far: CIA director Gen. David Petraeus and his wife, Holly; Petraeus’ biographer Paula Broadwell and her husband; Jill Kelley and her husband; and Gen. John Allen and his wife.

To make it simple, here’s a quick version of the story: Kelley reported to the FBI “jealous” e-mails sent by Broadwell, who, turns out, had had an affair with Petraeus. The FBI probe also uncovered thousand of inappropriate e-mail messages from Allen, the commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, and Kelley. And there you have it.

Petraeus resigned. Allen’s in trouble. I can’t imagine anyone feels pretty good about what has just gone down.

Doesn’t anyone learn? Cheating isn’t worth it. Sure, folks get away with it all the time. But I believe it all catches up to you someday.

I’ve been cheated on. Several times, in fact. And it completely sucks. You feel betrayed, your trust is shattered, you start to think it had something to do with you. Like you’re not good enough, you weren’t worth it. Oh, I’ve been there.

The subject came up recently with a few of my girlfriends, some of which had experienced cheating, too. And the question came up, “What, exactly, is cheating?”

It’s a legitimate question.

Clearly, sex is cheating. Kissing is cheating. Anything involving a cigar and a naked White House intern is cheating. But what about “inappropriate” e-mails? When does flirting cross the line?

I don’t get the whole cheating thing, how it’s exciting and fun. I think it’d be stressful and tiring. I have a husband, thanks, not to mention two dogs, a house to clean, a career to cultivate, friends to share dinners with, waves to surf, beaches to run. I don’t need an extra thing on my to-do list.

So what’s the appeal? If you’re not happy with the person you’re with, leave. If you met someone else, be honest. And if you’ve already cheated, ‘fess up and figure it out.

And if you’re going to cheat, my God, don’t send e-mails!

cheaterscheatingDavid PetraeusGen. John AllenHawaiiinfidelityJill KelleymarriagePaula Broadwellrelationship
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Catherine Toth Fox

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11 Comments

  • Reply eddyo November 14, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Good Morning & welcome back!

    There was a cliche that went, “women cheat because they feel unloved, men cheat because they can!”. Obviously can’t speak for all, but the couples that I know where affairs were involved, the majority ended the relationship. A few years ago, I told my friend, a women, who was the other woman, that she was crazy to stick with her guy. He was just using her & moreover if she wound up with him, what makes her think that the next girlfriend isn’t just around the corner?
    You’re right, for those of us that’s been cheated on it really sucks…

  • Reply M November 14, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hello Cat,

    What goes around comes around and sooner or later cheaters get caught, it’s just a matter of time.

  • Reply Annoddah Dave November 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

    CAT: I wonder who cheats more…men or women? Me thinks it is men, because they tend to think with their outdoor plumbing.

    • Reply Catherine Toth November 16, 2012 at 10:42 am

      I heard it’s about even, actually!

  • Reply David Jackson November 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Been cheated on, ended my marriage, and it didn’t feel good. Didn’t date again for three years… that ended because of cheating. Pretty much decided not to ever get serious again but sure that will change. I’ve always had FRIENDS of the opposite sex and have never crossed the line. People I grew up with and a lot of people I’ve met along the way for them cheating is no big deal, they don’t view it as cheating. They think people who don’t are the weird ones. All I know is that it seems that different people are different about this. One thing is for sure, the cheaters I’ve known have left a lot of wreckage in their wake. I’ve come to think I am in the minority on this one but not interested in hanky panky with someone’s girlfriend or spouse. Single girls only and only after I’ve gotten to know them pretty well. Lot of whack jobs out there these days. Bottom line… cheating in not cool.

  • Reply hawaii2000 November 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Back in 1993, I taught an introduction to e-mail class for new Internet dial-up subscribers in Kona. One of the caveats I stressed was to never put anything in an e-mail that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper. It’s now 2012 and people still have yet to learn.

  • Reply Melissa November 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    I’m not sure if I believe this, but a few years ago a guy told me that for some guys, it’s simply not in their programming to cheat. He claimed he was one of them, and that it isn’t even the thought of “Hey, I can get away with this,” it just never occurs to them that cheating is something they’d even consider. Hmmm.

    • Reply David Jackson November 14, 2012 at 2:07 pm

      I am one of those people too. And yes I can safely say the guy who told you this and myself are in the minority. The pisser is that other guys and some women think you are gay because you don’t cheat… or relentlessly chase members of the opposite sex. Guys like us have heard it all. Guys like us are simply not interested in sex unless a) the girl is single and we know them extremely well and think it could become serious or b) they are our spouse. Why no one believes this is beyond me. Why is it so hard to believe? Frankly I am more interested in international travel than chasing women. I choose to know women who are well educated, like to travel, and are basically the female equivalent of me. More interested in the conversation if you will. Casual sex has never interested me… ever. I have a number of female friends that will tell you that in 30+ years of knowing me I have never ‘hit on them’ and their friendship is very valuable to me. So there, I said it.

  • Reply Robin November 14, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    When it comes to male celebrity infidelity, GUYS are most interested in what she looks like compared to the wife, and also the age.

  • Reply bumper November 14, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    I think it boils down to selfishness and the persistent pleasure-seeking we, as a society, now feel entitled to. Low self-esteem? Cheat. Unfulfilled? Cheat. Bored? Cheat, again. Why not? Don’t we all *deserve* to be happy?!

    I can see how, as relationships grow “old” and the realities of life take their toll, it’s easy to look for a quick thrill. I also think it’s natural to sometimes wonder. If you’re in a good relationship and you’re a solid person, however, you’ll direct your energies to reconnecting with your loved one and find ways to meet your needs with the person to whom you’ve pledged your loyalty.

    I hate the way so many of us think nothing but ourselves and our momentary pleasures. What happened to honor, love, duty, and obligation? And if your relationship IS that bad, then just move one. But only once you’ve allowed your spouse to do the same.

  • Reply @RealReelTruth November 18, 2012 at 12:59 am

    Cheating = when a gen’t treats a broad well. 🙂

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About Me

About Me
Born and raised on O‘ahu, Hawaiʻi, Catherine Toth Fox has been chronicling her adventures in her blog, The Cat Dish, for more than a decade. She worked as a newspaper reporter in Hawai‘i for 10 years and continues to freelance—in between teaching journalism, hitting the surf and eating everything in sight—for national and local print and online publications. She’s currently the editor of HAWAIʻI Magazine.

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