It’s funny how weddings can connect people.
Now that I’m getting married, I can’t tell you how much advice I’ve been getting from brides, newlyweds and women who have been married longer than I’ve been alive.
But there are still a few lingering questions my girlfriends and I have discussed — some at length.
So I thought I’d ask you folks for your input.
Here are our questions regarding everything wedding:
• Do you still have to ask your parents and in-laws for a list of who they want invited to your wedding — or is that an outdated tradition?
• Are you liable if you serve alcohol at your wedding reception?
• If you’re invited to a wedding and can’t attend, do you still have to give a gift?
• Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics?
• Can you still not wear white to a wedding?
• What’s the tradition of a groom’s cake and do people still do that?
• It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake?
OK, everyone, let’s hear it!
25 Comments
• Do you still have to ask your parents and in-laws for a list of who they want invited to your wedding — or is that an outdated tradition?
i think being asian (esp Japanese) its probably the “right” thing to do. ESPECIALLY if your parents have business contacts etc..ie run a business.
• Are you liable if you serve alcohol at your wedding reception?
yep. so is the venue.
• If you’re invited to a wedding and can’t attend, do you still have to give a gift?
proper etiquette says.. yep
• Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics?
yep
• Can you still not wear white to a wedding?
you can wear what you want. its more seasonal but being in hawaii, its only one season too. RE: white.. it signifies virgin and pure..but brides still walk the virgin road too.
• It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake?
yep. since more and more venues offer desserts, i been to some where they dont even serve the cake. they cut em and pau. wrap it up.
congrats Cat!
If I had to do it all over again I’d just fly to ‘Vegas with a few close friends and family members and get married there. Then later (like a few months) if you want you can have an informal reception with the rest of the friends and family.
And yes, I think the bride should always wear white, just my opinion. If she wants to wear blazing red then that’s her prerogative.
Amen. Vegas sounds sooooo good right about now!
Dear Cat,
First congratulations. I do not know any of the answers to any of the questions. Sorry. But the most important thing is to be kind, communicate often and do things your own way. It’s your day and I’m all for breaking tradition as long as it’s in good taste and you got that down.
Love,
Dania
Married 18 years
Aw, thanks, Dania! So sweet! I love your advice, especially about being kind. I think sometimes we forget that — and we really shouldn’t. 🙂
Hey Cat … I have absolutely no advice to offer … and that’s a good thing!!! …
… I’ll just say … set your priorities early … don’t sweat the small stuff … and for the big stuff … get lots of help with it!!! …
… after all, it’s your’s and Derek’s big day … make sure you savour every little moment …
I totally agree. After dishing out tons of advice for friends, I realized that we have nothing in common, what I wanted for my wedding is nothing like what they’d want. It’s really up to you and Derek, do whatever you want, it’s really about you two, and what will make it memorable for you 🙂
Who said it was Derek’s day??? Just kidding 😛
Shouldn’t your last line have been, “let’s dish?”
• Do you still have to ask your parents and in-laws for a list of who they want invited to your wedding — or is that an outdated tradition?
You don’t have to, but I suggest you do. You apparently value your family connections, and weddings and funerals are often the only time certain family connections are renewed, and you’d probably prefer to do that at a wedding. Even if they can’t attend, hearing some family news can help keep your family, including family not blood related, connected.
• Are you liable if you serve alcohol at your wedding reception?
I’d act on the assumption that you are. After all, the guests are people about whom you care, and you don’t want anything bad to happen to them. Make sure no one leaves wasted without someone sober and responsible to watch him or her.
• If you’re invited to a wedding and can’t attend, do you still have to give a gift?
If you attend the reception, you should give a gift, regardless of whether you attend the wedding. If you attend neither, tnen you don’t have to give a gift, but I’d suggest you give one, but it can be smaller than if you attended the reception.
• Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics?
For a local wedding, isn’t this a largely moot question? Nearly everyone is going to just bring an envelope, which should largely offset the cost of the reception.
• Can you still not wear white to a wedding?
Sure, it’s your wedding, you decide.
• What’s the tradition of a groom’s cake and do people still do that?
I don’t think that’s a local tradition. I’ve never seen one here. For that matter, I’ve never seen one at a mainland wedding either.
• It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake?
Sure, it’s your wedding, you decide. If your reception is at the local rec center catered by Tanioka’s (and I’ve been to many that were similar), then the Costco cake would be appropriate.
• Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics?
YES! This is YOUR registry. You should be able to put whatever you want on it.
• Can you still not wear white to a wedding?
Absolutely. This might not be your thing but I love the light green color of this one. https://goo.gl/oeUfy
• It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake?
It’s totally okay to serve your guests Costco sheet cakes. Just check with your venue and make sure it’s okay to bring in.
Oh and congratulations on getting married! Have a great day. 🙂
• Do you still have to ask your parents and in-laws for a list of who they want invited to your wedding — or is that an outdated tradition?
If you’re having a large wedding, yes, save the hassle elope.
• Are you liable if you serve alcohol at your wedding reception?
Yes and so is the venue, Personally, I’d prefer not to serve, nothing is worse than a fall down or mean drunk.
• If you’re invited to a wedding and can’t attend, do you still have to give a gift?
Only if you attend the reception, other wise it’s not neccessary. It really Depends on how well you know the wedding party.
Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics?
You can put anything you want on the gift registry, Most people will get you what they want any way.
• What’s the tradition of a groom’s cake and do people still do that?
I don’t know where that’s a tradition, I think it’s something a baker thought up.
• It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake?
Too me It enables you to do a smaller cake, it’s easier to cut and serve. HoweverI would have the baker do the sheet cakeif that’s what you want, better taste.
• Can you still not wear white to a wedding?
Absolutely, wear what you want and what looks good on you.
Elope! Spend the money on a new car. A down payment on a new condo is better. Something anything but a traditional wedding.
Or a trip to Costa Rica! 😀
Now you’re talking!
Hi Cat, for me, I would rather go to Vegas or go to a judge, get married, then have a reception for family and friends.
I think the traditional wedding is over rated if you are one to go all out. Clearly I’m not a traditional person, the bride can wear what ever they wish =) Pink, yellow, black, blue, I’ve seen them all!
Answers to ur ?’s
Do you still have to ask your parents and in-laws for a list of who they want invited to your wedding — or is that an outdated tradition?
Yes, they will invite the island if could =)
Are you liable if you serve alcohol at your wedding reception?
Yes, pay your own! My family will drink til the sun comes up if it was open bar!
If you’re invited to a wedding and can’t attend, do you still have to give a gift?
Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics?
Why not?
Can you still not wear white to a wedding?
Yes, it’s their special day =)
It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake?
Sure, it’s Hawaii! Costco has good cakes and its budget friendly =)
Congrats on ur engagement, will you post your wedding live online? LOL
Congrats Cat!
• Do you still have to ask your parents and in-laws for a list of who they want invited to your wedding — or is that an outdated tradition?
If they are paying for your wedding, I would say yes, if not, then it’s your choice.
• Are you liable if you serve alcohol at your wedding reception?
Yes
• If you’re invited to a wedding and can’t attend, do you still have to give a gift?
It’s up to you.
• Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics?
Yep
• Can you still not wear white to a wedding?
Yep
• What’s the tradition of a groom’s cake and do people still do that?
Never heard of that one
• It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake?
Yep
The bottom line is that it’s your wedding, you do what you want to do to make it special for both of you.
My main occupation in my lifetime, was that of a wedding planner – for various large hotels in Honolulu. I so loved my job…
. Re: ? about parents giving lists of their friends and /or business people for you to invite. It is not only wise to do that, but assuming you love your parents and that they will probably be helping you with if not all, SOME of the expenses of your event, it is also proper!
. Re:Alcohol, consider that both you and the venue are responsible for tipsy guests’ public actions. If you are getting married in the day (luncheon or brunch) think about having just a hosted wine/beer bar…that can work for evening weddings as well. And saves you BIG bucks! Don’t forget to offer soft drinks, or to save $$ offer a non-alcoholic punch! Remember, one gallon of punch serves 20 servings. Think about how many (approximately) people will not be into alcoholic beverages and order accordingly. You do not have to have a full, open bar. Remember, “drunk counts!!”
I seem to stress “saving $$”…It’s true! Unless you are a trillionaire and have unlimited funds, or if you are on a very tight budget, plan on having a reasonable sized wedding…and reception…I had a very sweet couple who wanted to get married and were following the local traditions of hundreds of guests…they told me they had to take out a loan from their bank to pay for the reception. Ai yai yai! I advised them to have a very small wedding and reception…which they did and I gave them all the crystal, sliver and linen in a very exclusive room…then five years later they came to me to renew their vows and have their big reception – after having saved up the $$ to do a large celebration.
Remember, your wedding and celebration is only ONE DAY…your MARRIAGE we all hope will be forever – to start off your marriage in debt puts unnecessary strain on a time when getting used to marriage is already stressful.
.Re: Gifts if you don’t attend…it all depends on how close you are to the bride and groom.
.Re: Gift registry…now-a-days it is ok to put whatever you are hoping for on that registry -and it is a real help to your guests and family who want to get you what you WANT – instead of the 12 doz orange towels, or the rice cooker, or the electric can opener…makes sense!
.Re: What color to wear – usually it is proper not to compete with the bride on her day – and to wear any other color but white. Use common sense – a white sheath with a blue shawl/sweater is just fine! And really, the bride can wear any color she wishes and finds appropriate.
.Re: Sheet cakes…one sheet cake will serve approx 94 pieces (keep that in mind) and it is more than proper and cost effective to serve your guests sheet cake…from Costco or whereever – who’s to know?? The actual ceremony cake is usually not enough to serve to all – it is a symbol of the celebration…There’s a story behind the wedding cake…the story goes…a celebratory cake is usually made of flour a staple of most societies, the action of cutting through the cake (using both the hands of the groom and the bride to cut one small slice) symbolizes “working through life together”…the feeding of a small piece of cake to each other (do it kindly – shoving cake into each other’s face is an ugly, violent act and is not at all funny or proper!! Remember that!) symbolizes, in front of all your family and guests that you will always be there for each other, to nourish each other physically, emotionally and spiritually.
For several of the weddings that I helped with, the bride and groom were either of Hawaiian, or Japanese or Chinese…or whatever racial back ground – a few of the Hawaiian couples celebratory “meal” was to share spoonfuls of a bowl of poi with each other or to cut a slice of taro and feed each other, or to serve each other small servings of long noodles (Asian)….what ever symbolized their ethnic background…and it is always proper to go the caucasian way with the cake. Rarely is the actual symbolic cake used to serve the guests, unless it is a very small wedding.
Whatever/however you decide to produce your wedding, remember to do it with consideration and kindness…and yes to even have fun doing it!! And always consider your partner’s wishes! This will lead you not only into a wonderful, happy wedding day, but towards a happy, loving marriage!
Big Love from Waimea, Hawai’i Island! penny
I forgot – the Groom’s cake…it symbolizes the groom in this event – since most all attention is given to the bride. Now-a-days, I find more and more couples are giving small, elegantly wrapped packages of Hawaiian salt and skipping the grooms cake – this little, thoughtful gift is from both the bride and groom. Other items can be given – pretty chopsticks – one per person at each setting, a tea cup, a place card holder (name cards), a sake cup….a small packet of elegant tea, or elegantly wrapped candies. The sky is the limit – just lead with thoughtfulness, and kindness and whatever you choose to give will be lovingly received!
penny
Cat: If you were asking about the bride wearing white, of course, you should wear whatever you want. Watch “Say Yes to the Dress” on TLC (one of those guilty pleasures kind of shows).
If you are asking about a guest wearing white, I would think some white would be okay, but all white would look like you were trying to upstage the bride. A definite no-no.
I find myself watching these bridal shows that I NEVER thought I’d watch! LOL
Thanks for all the advice and tips! Love this!
– Do you still have to ask your parents and in-laws for a list of who they want invited to your wedding — or is that an outdated tradition?
When we got married 5 years ago, I asked my parents for a list (since they were footing the bill for the reception) of guests they wanted to invite. Most were family and close friends. We had about 120 people – it helped that most of my husband’s family couldn’t travel into HI for the wedding.
• Are you liable if you serve alcohol at your wedding reception? Yep. We just served wine/beer, soft drinks and juice.
• If you’re invited to a wedding and can’t attend, do you still have to give a gift? I usually do…even if it’s just a card with a few $20 bills in it.
• Can you put items on your gift registry that have nothing to do with housewares — like video game consoles, gourmet foods and electronics? Yes! Friends of ours actually posted a link to a “honeymoon fund” in lieu of traditional gifts.
• Can you still not wear white to a wedding? Personally, I wouldn’t.
• What’s the tradition of a groom’s cake and do people still do that? We didn’t have a groom’s cake – didn’t see the sense in spending more money.
• It is OK to serve Costco sheet cakes at the reception instead of the wedding cake? Why not?! As long as your venue will allow it, I say go for it! 🙂 It’s tasty and once it’s cut into pieces, no one will know it’s from Costco.
Planning a wedding is definitely hard work – but definitely worth all the stress in the end. The only thing I’d change about my wedding is finding the time to actually sit down and eat! 🙂 We were so busy talking story to everyone and taking pictures…we forgot to eat dinner! At least we had cake. 🙂
Costco is great, why not get the cake from them, flowers too!
If parents are paying ( or helping pay) for the wedding I think it would be proper to let them invite special friends.
Great advice in an earlier post from the wedding planner!
I think it comes down to what you really want and what you can afford ( seems like all of us are united and unanimous on not going into debt!). You can go really traditional, not traditional or somewhere in between. What has meaning for you and Derek? What, when you look back on your wedding in 5-10 -20 years is going to stand out to you and be remembered and cherished? I don’t think go to Vegas ( easier and cheaper yeah). If you really want to keep it simple, do it on the beach with parents and very close friends, or just parents somewhere special. Not Vegas.
You can make your wedding very special and I think the key is meaningful.
Don’t serve alcohol. Drunk people….. yikes! Expensive too.
Can’t wait to hear and see what you come up with. You look beautiful in white by the way, think I have told you that before…. 😉
So, when is the big day and are we all invited?
We paid for our own wedding, so everyone that was invited was there because the two of of us wanted them to be there. Strangers will eat and leave, so why bother having them there? We had my two 442nd RCT “uncles” sing with the Hawaiian band, my cousin do a dance routine, and had the restaurant take care of the reception. We spent $14k and it still is the best day of my life! Many people commented on how fun the day was, even several months later! I wanted the fairy tale wedding, but my wife wanted the court house wedding only. We compromised and had the court wedding service and the lunchtime reception later. Plus, you see what friends step up for you that day!
You’ve been to enough weddings to have their memories become a blur, so make yours your own creation!