Editor’s Note: Yes, Ask Dr. Dish is back! And I’ll probably go back to posting these every Wednesday again. So if you have a burning question about anything from relationships to workplace etiquette, e-mail me at [email protected]
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Question: I have a problem. My ex-girlfriend of three years broke up with me but we had the best relationship — at least I thought so. We got along great, had the same values, etc. But she said she didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me anymore and just wanted to be friends. We still hang out and do everything a couple does except the intimacy stuff and we still have a great time together. I think she still does love me but is afraid. How can I win her back?
Answer: Well — (rolling up sleeves) — I have experience in this department!
I was in a long-term relationship with a guy with whom I got along great. But at some point, he did exactly what your ex-girlfriend did: he decided this wasn’t for him anymore and left.
Now at the time I was convinced he was making a mistake. Why would he leave me? We didn’t have any problems, we got along, we had the same interests. What’s going on?
Like your ex, he didn’t have “those feelings” for me anymore. As much as I tried to convince him otherwise, he stuck to his decision and, to be honest, it was the best thing for both of us.
You can’t make someone love you. They either do or they don’t. And when someone stops loving you, that’s it. No amount of begging, arguing or ice cream cakes will change that.
And let’s face it: do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want you back? That’s the question I had to face — and the answer was no. I deserve better than that.
So I’d cut ties. If she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend anymore, you have to respect that. If it’s meant to be, maybe someday in the future your paths will cross. But for right now, let her go.
Any other advice to dish?
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15 Comments
I am with Cat, take a deep breath, hoist your sails, and move out of the harbor. No one will ever say it is easy but by the time you sail to the next port you will be glad you did. Mine and several of my friends have learned the hard way that it is the right thing to do. Sometimes when you reach the next port their ship will be waiting for you, sometimes it is another ship, sometimes the next harbor is empty, but it always feels better to keep moving forward. There just might be someone in the next port that can swab your deck in a way you’ve never dreamed possible.
Dr Dish,
Best thing to do is become extremely wealthy then ask her back. But if you do the Tiger Woods thing then your goosed is cooked. Then again, Elin is wealthy and available, she may be a good one to pursue instead. Bottom Line: just move on, there are more fish in the sea.
Hello Dr. Cat,
Time to move on, put the past behind.
Yup. Was going to say the same as Annoddah_Dave. There’s more fish in the sea. Why force a relationship? When two persons come together naturally, it’s beautiful and a joy. If one of the two just doesn’t fit into the equation, it’ll be a miserable time for both. If it doesn’t fit for the two, that’s when all the humbug starts.
a woman will do anything for a man she once loved, except love him again. so dude; don’t delude. you are out, finished, fin-ito, pau, as Bjorn Borg said after losing at Wimbledon: to McEnroe: ‘there’s nothing you can do but get in your Volvo and drive away.”
@turkfontaine — Nice Borg quote… but I think Bjorn severely overreacted. Just think of how many more Wimbledons he could have won had he not sulked and retired after that loss? In the words of McEnroe, “YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!” (haha)
u r hurt. don’t b resentful. learn 2 forgive her. accept her friendship. 4 ur sake let go of the past and get on w/ life.
It is done…. ..Having said that… I am in a marriage that has had no intimacy for over 2 years.. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!
It is done…. ..Having said that… I am in a marriage that has had no intimacy for over 2 years.. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!
Thank my comment didn’t post!! “pathetic>>> My friend as Turk said… ” FINITO”
@Annodah_Dave You know , I got this card after my breakup from a girlfriend and it read, “There are more fish in the sea. And they have better jobs.” So true!
Spot on advice. Love is an enigma. There is no magic potion and no making love happen by sheer will… He should be thankful for the friendship they share afterwards.
Take it from a guy who’s been there: MOVE ON. Seriously. In fact, I would say cutting all ties now is the best thing you could do. Why? Because as long as she’s in your life you’ll be thinking things like “I think she still loves me” (she doesn’t), “I think she’s afraid to tell me” (there’s nothing to tell you), and “How can I win her back?” (it would be your LOSS–we all deserve to be with people that want us).
Think it’s peachy that you still hang out and do everything a couple does except for not doing the one thing most couples do? It’s not. Maybe for her, but definitely not for you. Why not? Because you’re wanting more. And it ain’t gonna happen.
I know this sounds cold. And it is. But you need to know that until you truly let go, you will not find happiness. Believe me, I know.
To the guy who wants to win his ex back: Maybe Dr. Dish just isn’t that into you.
Nah, good advice. Not worth it.
I agree! He needs to cut ties and move on, BUT, why is she stringing him along? Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. It only confuses him. And it’s unfair to him as well. One thing about this whole thing bugs me a little. People don’t just fall in and out of love…if they say that, it wasn’t love to begin with. Relationships take work and although feelings are important to consider, it’s only part of the equation. Feelings change daily. Mine does. I’ve been married 7 years and some days I really like my husband, some days I don’t like him and other days I wanna be with Johnny Depp. Overall and through it all I do love my husband. It took hard work and us asking ourselves: How much do we want to fight for this relationship?