We all have them.
But when do you have to share them with your partner — and when can you keep them to yourself?
It’s a tough question.
People keep secrets for different reasons. Sometimes it’s to save face — you don’t need to share embarrassing moment from childhood with your mate. But sometimes couple don’t dish when they should.
But how can you tell?
For example, I tell my boyfriend everything — and probably to a fault. He hates that I tell him about my past relationships; these are clearly topics he’d rather I keep to myself. But on the other hand, I want to know more about his exes — but he doesn’t want to share. I view that as being secretive; he sees it as being courteous.
I was watching a segment on NBC’s “Today” about couples keeping secrets. The discussion was about sharing confidential information such as bank account numbers and passwords.
Then I read a story in Redbook about the same topic. It said even the healthiest couples hide things from each other.
To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair—and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even “small” deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what’s harmless and what’s not.
So what should you share? Embarrassing stories? Medical history? Salaries? Past relationships? Actual weight? Passwords?
What do you think?
8 Comments
I am an open book and do not like the ‘secret squirrel’ method of living. Frankly I can handle anyone’s habits as long as I know about them. If I find out about them third party I lose trust completely. In other words if I find out they have a lover on the side they like to sleep with once a year but that is it and I hear about it from them I can live with it. I might not like it but I can handle it. But if I hear about it from one of their friends I can’t. It always comes down to ‘what else are they not telling me?’ Do they belong to a secret society that wears funny white hats? Me, I am a one woman man. I’d prefer to be with a one man woman. I just want to know the truth. And frankly I do not think that is too much to ask especially if things are getting serious. I have a lot of women friends, and I do mean friends. Never had an affair, never cheated on anyone. There are a few of them I wonder about what it would be like to take a roll in the hay but I have not and will not go there. It is only natural to fantasize about these things! And I know what it is like to be with someone who would go there, did go there, and elsewhere frequently. All in ‘secret squirrel’ mode with all the requisite wink wink nod nod’ crap that goes with it. I don’t understand this lying your tail off lifestyle and would rather know about it sooner so I can leave sooner. In a nutshell if I get a whiff of membership in the secret society mode of living I am out of there. And believe me, the truth always comes out. Always.
Some things are best left unsaid. I’m like Derek in that I feel uncomfortable sharing my past relationships with my significant other. It’s not that I have anything to hide, its just that my history is a part of my past and my wife is my future. I have shared about a few of my past relationships and she has freely shared about hers. But there are some things that are best left unsaid.
i’m on the same page as your bf when it comes to past relationships. if my wife asks, i’ll tell her; but, it’s more a matter of courtesy to not share it.
my wife and i fell in love with each other for the people we were when we met, not the people we were before we met. everyone has different experiences that helped them become the person they are, many good… many rough. and, i don’t know about the women in the house, but there are a lot of stupid things guys do during their teenage years and 20s that we think back on and just shake our heads. if we feel it’s important to share, we will… but, until then, the psychoanalysis of certain parts of our past should be left to the professionals.
as far as sharing things in your current relationship, besides secrets of national security, i don’t think there is needs to be a limit. my wife tells me EVERYTHING about her day. sometimes, she shares every gory detail. (which i don’t always enjoy hearing since there are certain things that don’t like to hear while i’m eating.) i’m an open book with my wife regarding embarrassing stories, medical history, salaries, passwords, bank accounts, and pretty much anything else applicable to her. excluding bank accounts (which is a whole different issue… but, something i think should be shared by husband and wife), i think everything in your current relationship is open for sharing.
Hello Cat,
Some things are just best to keep to yourself like past relationships. I don’t care to know about my wifes past relationships and I don’t share minds. But most other stuff we are open like passwords on the computers, bank accounts, medical stuff, emotional problems, stuff at work, trust is a big part.
Hey Cat … shouldn’t this be a great debate question??? …
“To share or not to share?”
… and then most of the girls would go for sharing …
… and of course, most of the guys would opt for not sharing …
… I wonder if the same holds true for gay couples??? …
I don’t know about secrets, but information filters are probably a good thing.
Well I knew about most of my wifes previous men, she hasn’t hid anything from me. And she knew about the previous women in my liffe as it was my girlfirends who introduced us some 34 years ago. So I’m kind of on the side of honesty to a fault here.What i’ve found out is all things come to light eventually so ay as well be upfront about them.
Whenever the subject of couple’s confidentiality comes up I am reminded of this classic commercial.
https://vimeopro.com/vendorinc/got-milk-1/video/34714588