As a writer, I feel I’m always in a position to make ethical decisions.
Am I using this quote out of context? Am I too close to this source to write about her? Did I get both sides of the issue?
You have to think about these things when you write stories, especially about people. No one wants to be misquoted or misrepresented and sometimes that happens unintentionally (misspelling, corrupted file, accidentally strike on the computer keyboard). And, while it happens more often than we’d like to admit, it’s a matter of whether you had the right intention or not.
Meaning, did you try to do the right thing?
That’s been my mantra throughout my life. I always want to do the “right thing,” as defined, I guess, by my own standards. I assume everyone’s version of “right” may vary. Still, I think we all have a general sense of what’s right and what’s wrong.
But why does everything seem so easy to define from the outside — so black and white — but so messy gray when you’re the one involved in it?
Take, for example, your friend whose husband is cheating on her. To you, it may be an easy solution: divorce the bastard and find someone better. (Black-and-white) But to her, it’s more complicated than that. They share assets, maybe a child. She may be scared or insecure. She might really love him. (Messy gray.)
I was reading some tips to making ethical decisions from the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics at Santa Clara University this morning. (Yes, I’m not always on Facebook!) It was interesting to read what ethics is NOT.
It’s not the same as feelings. It’s not a religion. It’s not just about following the law. It’s not about following cultural norms. And it’s not a science.
So how can we make ethical decision?
“If, at the end of the day, can you say, ‘I got all the facts, not just the ones I agreed with’?” said Judy Nadler, a senior fellow in government ethics at the Marrkula Center to the New York Times last year. “Can you say you looked at all the options, not just the convenient ones? If I did all those things and answered them honestly, then I can say I did my very best.”
We are faced with ethical decisions all the time, some we just react to without thinking. Like Googling your new coworker or lying to your boss about why you have to leave work early today.
But what about the more complicated situations — like finding out your friend’s husband is cheating? What do you do?
I don’t have any answers. But I know this: It’s not about being perfect. It’s about striving to be the best person you can be. And whatever decision you make, you have to feel good about it.
Anyone faced this quandary?
7 Comments
Hey Cat: whew … tough topic … almost like talking about religious belief … we all may have strong feelings or opinions … but it’s not too easy to talk about with others … without getting into a debate …
… you know what??? … I’ve faced this quandry myself … the cheating spouse thing (yes, a cheating wife too) … and I have to say … I’ve always not gotten involved … saying it’s none of my damn business …
… don’t know if that’s the moral thing to do … but I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t get involved either … because getting all the facts would be difficult and yes, very messy …
… don’t know if it’s about being the best person I could be … and I certainly don’t feel good about it … but it’s something I can live with … mostly because I’d try not to think about it …
… don’t know … ask me tomorrow … I might have a different opinion …
I already found one angle you took in this story offensively. The part where you said “Take, for example, your friend whose husband is cheating on her. To you, it may be an easy solution: divorce the bastard and find someone better.”
What about the situation when the wife cheated on the husband?!
Why do men always get tagged as the “bad guy”. There’s many relationships where the woman is the home wrecker. Often times when she’s with a “nice guy”. Been there, and been through that myself (not married, though, Thank God!). My dad was a police officer a long time ago, and he told me, the worst thing he despised, were domestic arguments he called on,especially when the wife was causing the problems, only to have the husband cover-up the wife’s wrong doings and abuses, ending up where they both turned on the cops! WTH! I mean, sure, there’s probably a deeper underlying problem in their relationship, but still, those were exceptional cases that stood out.
One news story I read claimed that in a recent survey, 70% of men admitted (note ADMITTED) cheating on their wives. While even more shockingly, 50 to 60% of women admitted having an affair. And I’m willing to bet women are far less honest in those surveys then men.
Which is probably why I never did get married. Seems nothing’s sacred anymore. And I’m a VERY loyal boyfriend/potential husband.
G’day Cat,
Back from Vac & see your Monday morn’ topic as actually two kinds of ethics. The first is professional & the second is personal. As a reporter, in the case of the former, your ethics are your credibility. You lose this, you might as well look for another job! In the latter with the hypothetical you put out there, too vague on details. What’s frustrating about making an ethical decision is the greyness. Yes, calmly viewed with an outsider’s eye, a judgement can be made with little thought, but to know the insider’s view is to know the complexity of human behavior. No easy answer Cat.
btw, is your hypothetical a real issue confronting you? Sorry jus’ being nosy.
CAT: Is there a single “right thing” in every situation? Philosophically, maybe. Racking one’s brain and heart to do the right thing is about as difficult a thing as any as a human. Being on a jury to decide the fate of a person is tough work. If we led simpler lives and be “feral humans” may be easier on us. But we would then revert to something other than humans…did we not come from a single cell?
It is difficult to answer this post because I have been in two marriages where my spouse cheated on me. The first time was pretty bad. My punishment for finding out about it was to get summarily divorced. No discussions, nothing. Seven years later they interviewed some women around town about how they had dumped the love of their life but they did not know why they did it, was a big feature article front and center in the Sunday paper. My ex, for some odd reason, was one of those people interviewed. Reading quotes like ‘he was the love of my life’ and ‘he was my soul mate’ and ‘he was the best man I’ve ever known’ but ‘I don’t know why I summarily dumped him without a good reason’ did not make me feel any better. It actually made me feel worse. Because nowhere in the three paragraphs of trying to explain herself was it ever mentioned that I was dumped because I found out about the affair. It was never mentioned it was a napalm full force assault on me and everything about me to distract from the fact she was having an affair. I would have accepted an apology if offered, wasn’t shocked there wasn’t one there. It felt like she to that date still would not admit it was her fault.
Fast forward five years. fell in love again with a smart, pretty, woman with two kids. It lasted 17 years. It was an adjustment learning to deal with two kids who were obviously unhappy about dad going away. I told myself that I had to accept that whomever I fell for would cheat on me and I was not disappointed. If Guinness kept a record I am sure there would be an entry. I laugh when I think of being in marriage counseling listening to the crying, overly emotional, ‘I just want him to love me’ ranting and raving and looking at me with the big puppy dog eyes filled with crocodile tears. Imagine the therapist’s surprise when I handed him an email she wrote to a fellow talking about how many ways she planned to have sex with him. Not to mention her coming home at 9:00 one night that week without explanation. I remember him looking at me and saying, ‘Mr. Jackson, I need to have a word with your wife in private.’ She finally left me for a guy she was sleeping with a few years later, they hid my son from me for six weeks, but I eventually won custody. She married the guy. My son is now old enough he has figured it all out. My son asked me on the trip home from visiting her once if he could see the guidance counselor. I asked why and the answer was, ’cause my mom’s a cheater.’ Ask me if it makes me sick… understatement.
So Cat, tell your friend there are NO repeat NO other issues. Divorce the bastard. They do not change. There are no other extenuating circumstances. Kids are hurt by cheating spouses. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. I loved them both everyday they cheated on me. I have never strayed despite plenty of offers… followed by disbelief I was a loyal guy.
If anyone wants a relationship that is OPEN go for it. I will NEVER entertain one.
It has been six and a half years, two years in therapy to make sure I never find myself in a relationship like that ever again. Once you see it for what it is, about 60-70% of the population if you ask me, a whole new world of getting to know members of the opposite sex opens up. I am squarely in the age where companionship matters most, and if I never find the right kind of companionship believe me loneliness is a damn sight better than living with a cheating, lying spouse.
Nobody gets “all the facts” or considers “all the options.” We all cut corners and do cost/benefit analyses without even realizing that we’re doing it. It isn’t bad. It’s necessary. To get all the facts and consider all the options is known as the paralysis of analysis, and it’s a form of procrastination.
To any ethical question, or any judgment, there is rarely one right answer. There may be a best answer from among the available and discernible right answers. However, these things are revealed to us in hindsight and with the benefit of future experience. We only know by looking back whether we did good or did harm, and whether we may have done better.
As to having good intentions, forget that one. We all give ourselves credit, a presumption of goodwill, for acting with the best of intentions. This is nothing more than self-deception, wishful thinking. Each of us acts out of anger, jealousy, pride, and selfishness. Let’s face it.
Who will raise his or her and and admit to being a worse-than-average driver? We all think we are skilled and make good judgments. About 90 percent of drivers rate themselves in the top 51 percent. Impossible! The biggest driving mistake people make is pure selfishness – the belief that my time, convenience, need to take this call or eat this burrito while I drive is more important than actually stopping at that stop sign, waiting for the pedestrian in the crosswalk, waiting for the next green light, or simply considering the safety of those in other vehicles.
I may stray a bit with this driving analogy, but the point is that we give ourselves much more credit than we deserve for being objective, unbiased, and exercising good judgment.
The ethical spouse knows it’s wrong to stray…
The morale spouse will not stray…