I never put much thought into changing my name after marriage.
In fact, it never really occurred to me that it would be an option. I always thought I’d keep my last name because, well, it was my name. I grew up with it. It would take a lot effort to get used to another name.
But my fiance recently asked me if I had planned to take his last name.
Hmm. Trick question?
While it’s no longer socially rebellious to keep your name, some brides do feel a bit of pressure to take the name of their soon-to-be husbands. It’s tradition, it’s easier, it won’t spark a conversation with your kids later when they ask why Mommy and Daddy have different last names.
To me, the name change is so complicated, especially at my age. You have to change your surname on everything from your social security card to insurance policies. Some require a copy of your marriage certificate; others just a phone call. Still, all of it takes some effort.
But beyond that, it’s about identity, too.
A lot of my friends who are professionals — dentists, journalists, doctors, lawyers, business owners — don’t want to change their names because they’ve built a public or professional identity. Changing that means changing who you are — and some women don’t think we need to conform to arbitrary social standards anymore.
Which brings me to, well, me.
What do I do?
I’m not interesting in hyphenating our names or, worse, combining our last names to create a brand-new one. But I’m also not sure if I want to give up my surname — my identity — just because I’m getting married. Shouldn’t the commitment — and it’s a legal one! — be enough?
27 Comments
My wife kept her last name and I’m ok with it.
This should not be a big issue. It’s your name so it’s your decision, do what you’re comfortable with.
Hey Cat … why isn’t this a great debate question??? … ok, maybe it would split along the male-female line … but man, this is a tough one … why was the name change ever started in the first place … tradition??? … convenience??? … to identify a family unit??? …
… I think I’m like most men … who would selfishly want their future wife to take their last name … but I can’t think of a single compelling reason for them to do so …
… what about just changing your name legally on paper??? … but still use your given name for your professional life … like actors and actresses do …
… hey, how do we know that Catherine Toth is your real name??? … or is it just a blog alias??? …
CAT: The default is, be like your Mom. Is she better off with her last name? or no difference. Sometimes tradition does have benefits.
At least your public profile seems to put more emphasis on your first name “The Cat Dish” rather than last name “The Toth DIsh”. So at least that may not confuse any readers of your works.
Unless you change this blog heading to:
“The Cat Dish
A blog by Catherine E. (formerly Toth)” 🙂
I’d imagine for practical things like passports, credit cards etc. it may be inconvenient to change name, although convenience should take a back seat to what your feelings tell you.
Just don’t do double barrel surnames 🙂
I kept my name and agreed with soon to be be hubby that our children would have his last name, no fuss, no hyphenation. It was easier. I owned property, I was established in my career, I also liked my name and had worked hard to be the person with that name.
I consulted a lawyer and made sure the banks listed me on our accounts with my legal name as well as my aka (also known as) name so I could cash or deposits checks. Easy peasy.
Then came the kiddos. I just use our “family” name on forms for them. It avoids the “looks” that I’m their step mom. When their friends call me Mrs. B, they have stopped trying to explain things to their friends. And every once in a while I do have a twinge of regret, but I think without a little regret in life we forget why we made certain decisions and those decisions are milestones in our paths. It makes me even more amazed at how my life has changed since I moved from single to married and married to motherhood — what a wonderful journey!
Good Morning,
Cat look at this way, either way your initials won’t change! Seriously, I’ve known many women that found the compromise–in all professional settings they call themselves for example Cat Toth & your hubbie’s last name in personal settings. After all it should never be what you are called as much as you are, nee.
In my case, the missus took my surname, dropped her middle & slid her maiden name as her new middle. I took my wife’s maiden name as part of my middle name. Now people ask me if I’m part Chinese, because of my two middle initials!
I’ve been married for nine years and my wife has kept her name for two reasons. (1) to maintain her professional identity and (2) for taxes, if you don’t have kids it can be quite advantageous to keep your maiden name and file separately.
However, we now have 2 kids and my wife is seriously considering changing her name because of social stuff related to kids. Our schools, sports leagues, day care etc. all have us listed officially as parents with 2 different last names and it causes her stress. She gets a bit paranoid about general perception and with that in mind, she is considering changing it.
I personally think she should keep her last name. My message to her is that you haven’t earned the right to use my last name, haha.
Make sure Derek knows of your decision and understands it before you sign the license. I had a client who didn’t tell her hubby until she signed the license and i thought there might be a war brewing moments after it.
My sister kept her name and my brother in law was ok with it. It’s no biggie to them. You can always keep your name legally but socially be known as Mr & Mrs _________.
Aloha Cat- did you know that your fiance can take YOUR last name upon getting married (or at least that was the case when I got married many years ago- there were four optiions- you take his name, he takes your name, you hyphenate your names, or you make up a new last name)? Taking the woman’s last name seems foreign to many men, so I don’t understand how they would not understand reluctance by a woman to change her name.
My husband didn’t want to take my last name and I totally understood, so why should he not understand I didn’t want to take his?
I ended up with a hyphenated last name and the kids carry his last name. It worked out okay, but if I had to do it again I might rethink it.
My husband didn’t want me to change my name, which was/is totally fine with me (I wasn’t interested in hyphenating either, just pick one!), but if we had children I would want them to have my last name which wasn’t ok with him. For me it was a family identity thing. As far as “changing” who I am, it’s just a name and a bunch of paperwork.
Some friends did the husband takes the wife’s last name thing which was pretty cool. Maybe you should come up with a completely new last name. Here are my top 5 suggestions:
1) Dish
2) Nip
3) Atonic
4) Egory
5) Alist
Sure there are others. You only live once… why not do it different?
I guess that I am a traditionalist in the sense that I think that both husband and wife should share the same last name.
Is your identity really tied to your surname?
Name recognition. You have created you identity in life and business with it and it’s out there in print. What would happen if you don’t get that big $ contract because the wealthy client cannot find you? You can change your name later after making the big bucks, then those looking for handouts and donations cannot bother you.
I understand what you mean about your name being a part of your identity. I personally feel that I won’t change my last name when I get married for a number of reasons. It’s the name I grew into as I went from child to woman, it’s a tie to my family, and for my future husband it will be the name of the woman he fell in love with.
I think Kehau makes an interesting point of maybe discussing having your fiance take your last name instead. If he’s not comfortable with that idea, it might help him relate to your feelings about not wanting to change your name.
As for the future children’s last names it’s not uncommon for parents and children to have different last names these days. Maybe their parents are divorced and remarried, maybe their parent is a step-parent, or maybe mommy just didn’t want to change her last name because she does have her own life established under her own name.
One reason women used to take their husband’s last name is that they were considered the “property” of their husband and he could therefore make any and all decisions on her behalf. Women didn’t just lose their last names, they became “Mrs. Husband’s First and Last name. (Check out this week’s cover of OK magazine cover which refers to Angelina Jolie as “Mrs. Brad Pitt.) While it’s more common these day to address “Mr X. & Mrs. Y so-and-so” there are still times when things are addressed “Mr. & Mrs. husband’s name.”
Personally, I am not comfortable with the idea of becoming Mrs. anybody’s name but my own. The suggestions that you change your name but continue to use your maiden name in public and professionally are a good compromise but seem like it doesn’t t solve the problem of how you’re perceived as both an individual and as a couple by society.
wife kept hers. I didn’t care.
Do what lots of other media/public personalities do – use your maiden name professionally, but change it legally.
As far as changing names, don’t forget to leave yourself a paper trail. If I’m not mistaken, Hawaii just implemented the same kind of rules that some states here on the continent have, regarding driver’s license renewals. I renewed my driver’s license last year and I had to take all kinds of documents to prove my identity and legal residency in the USA: Social Security Card, the expiring driver’s license, birth certificate, etc. Without those documents to prove who I am, and that I’m a legal resident of the USA (I was born in the USA by the way…), I wouldn’t have been able to renew my license.
Thinking of creating a whole new and totally different last name? Well, I’m not sure the courts would allow you to be known as Catherine Rainbow Drive In, but you could try…. 😆
The opposite side of the coin is: when I got married, I took my husband’s last name. After 30+ years of marriage, he is an ex-husband. Court documents ask you to speicify what name you want to be known by after the divorce is final. Since I had been known by my husband’s last name longer than by my maiden name, there was never a question I would keep my married name. However, now with the new DL requirements, what do I need when it’s time to renew? A marriage cerificate for a marriage that no longer legally exists? Divorce documents do not show maiden name which, of course, is the name on my birth certifcate.
Here is the link to the Hawaii (government) website. Frankly, if I were you, I’d bring your divorce documents anyway, even though your name didn’t change from married name to the name you chose to take upon divorce.
https://hawaii.gov/dot/hawaiis-legal-presence-law
Thanks! I had checked out DOT page and was still confused. Guess better to take more than you need. Still have a few years before I need t renew, but unless regulations change, will dig out both marriage and divorce certificates.
My wife didn’t take my name, or kept her maiden name. She created her own name, Lady Gaga.
My wife kept her maiden name as her middle name, tok my naame to replace her ex husbands. Both of my nieces took their husbands last names, a nephew and his wife created a new last name. To me it’s a choice, I would suggest keeping your own last name professionally and socially use your married name.
I think that decision is ultimately yours to make. But it’s definitely something to discuss with him. If he’s wanting (or hoping) you take his name, it’s important you understand his reasons and for both of you to at least take each other’s wishes into consideration as you come to some agreement.
Obviously this is a personal choice of the soon-to-be bride but it should be a discussion with her future husband. My comment though is that I’m tired of people picking and choosing which “traditions” they want to follow when it’s convenient for them. Traditionally, a man had to propose with an expensive engagement ring (does two months salary ring a bell), the parents of the bride paid for the wedding, and the wife took her husbands last name. Now, couples pay for their own weddings. Wives keep their last names. But most women still want the engagement ring. If a woman feels like she doesn’t have to follow tradition and take her husband’s last name, I would hope that she would also be willing to not follow tradition and not have her husband buy her an expensive engagement ring. Instead, they should use the money that would’ve gone to the engagement ring to pay off debt or to save up for a home. But you can’t say I want the engagement ring but not your last name. Why are you willing to follow one tradition but not the other?
Hi Cat- My advice to girlfriends when they ask is to just push in your last name (becoming a second middle name) and add your husband’s at the end: Catherine Toth _____. That way, you keep your identity, your birth surname is still somewhere in your new name, and you’re still taking his last name. You’d probably go by his last name, but your legal name on paperwork would still include your last name. Happy Wedding!
Keep your last name. What better way to prove your not just marrying him to get his name? That is, even if you are marrying him for his cooking and knack for photographing rainbows.