Look, Valentine’s Day isn’t complicated. You get your partner a thoughtful gift, a sweet card and share a meal somewhere. (Even picnics on the back porch can be romantic.)
But somehow people still screw it up.
So instead of telling you what you should do — schedule a massage, pick up a bottle of moscato d’asti, turn off the Xbox — here’s a list of things you shouldn’t do today.
• Don’t say, “I don’t do Valentine’s Day.” Who cares if you think it’s a money-driven, arbitrarily contrived commercialized holiday celebrated with overpriced roses and expensive prix fixe menus? You may say Valentine’s Day is every day, but until we’re getting romanced on the other 364 days of the year, your line today is, “Valentine’s Day? Love it!”
• Don’t give cheap chocolate. We know the difference between Hershey’s and bean-to-bar artisan chocolate. (See yesterday’s blog.) If you’re going to get the cliched gift of chocolate, then you may as well splurge on it.
• Don’t go to see “A Good Day to Die Hard.” I don’t care if you’re a die hard “Die Hard” fan, this isn’t a date movie.
• Don’t buy a puppy. Unless you’re serious about dog ownership — and it requires a ton of commitment, trust me — getting a dog for Valentine’s Day isn’t going to score points in the long run.
• Don’t — surprise! — invite your friends on your Valentine’s date. This is one of those days you should spend with your significant other — alone. Unless you’ve planned this in advance — and with your partner’s approval — don’t invite your pals over for a night of beer and Netflix.
• Don’t get matching tattoos. You’ll likely regret it.
• Don’t get teddy bears or stuffed animals unless she specifically wants them (or she’s 10 years old). Some women dig the stuffed animals and that’s cool. But don’t assume we all do.
• Don’t call your ex. Even if you’re both single, it’s just not the right time. You’re caught up in the moment, swayed by the smell of overpriced roses and chocolate-covered strawberries. Don’t call, don’t text, don’t even think about it.
• Don’t be too practical. Save the Vitamix or window-tinting for the car for birthdays. Today, be romantic. Get the 800-thread-count Egyptian cotton bed sheets or the spa package that’s so long it includes lunch. It only comes around once a year!
• Don’t complain about it. Don’t buy a box of chocolate and pick up the tab at dinner — then complain about it. That cancels everything out.
• Don’t wait ’til the last minute. If you haven’t planned anything by now, you’re obviously too late. But don’t be late for next year. The best thing about Valentine’s Day is that it happens every year on the same day. So no excuses!
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!