It’s a hard pill to swallow.
This idea that there are people out there who don’t like us.
But there are.
And a lot of times, we have no idea why.
I have dealt with this my entire life. I remember being the new (read: weird) girl in baton class and knowing that the other twirlers didn’t like me much. They actually never got to know me. And I remember in high school having friends who, for reasons that are still a mystery to me, decided one day to hate me.
Maybe I did something to hurt them. I really don’t know. I never mean to hurt people; it’s not in my DNA. But still, people seem to find something to hate about me — about anyone — and there’s not much we can do about it.
I remember once a coworker thought I had designs for her boyfriend; she did everything she could to get my fired from my job. Had she just asked me, I would’ve told her that I truly, sincerely had no interest in the guy. In fact, I couldn’t even tell you his last name.
I realize sometimes there’s just no explaining why people don’t like each other. (Look at radical forms of religion.) Sometimes it’s jealousy, sometimes it’s just personality conflicts. I get it. But I don’t understand why it has to lead to something so foul. If you don’t like me for whatever reason, fine. But doing things to deliberately hurt me — or anyone — is just ridiculous.
Awhile back, when I first launched my YouTube channel, I did video posts that related to my blog, then being published on The Honolulu Advertiser’s website. I remember one video — I’ve since taken it down — received so much hateful comments — it was to the point of harassment — that just email notifications of comments were making me shake and quiver. I’ve got a pretty thick skin, but I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Underneath my loud, brash and sometimes inappropriate exterior is a very soft, mushy person who cries during animated films and Hallmark commercials — as most of my close friends know — and while I can deal with criticism better than most people, the harsh stuff isn’t always so easy to take.
I’m saying this not because I need an avalanche of kind remarks — though they are always welcome! — but because a lot of people think I must have a million friends, folks who love me no matter what. And maybe I do. But I have my share of haters, too.
When it comes to hate, sadly, we are not alone.
22 Comments
“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” – Kurt Cobain
Well said.
Cat,
Thank you for your courage and vulnerability. It shows a lot character. A few decades ago the mystery of why people don’t like me would have concerned me greatly, however I’ve learned to adopt a mindset.
This mindset is the acceptance that not everyone will love or even like me, for reasons I may or may not know. This mindset always and I mean always leads me to evaluate my behavior and solicit feedback from a core of individuals that love me enough to be objective. And let me tell you, they don’t hold back and they make me take out the trash after they’ve laid it on me!
Like you, I never intend to be mean to others, yet my tone and deliverance whether written or spoken, sometimes comes across just as that…mean. I do two things when this happens, I apologize and I work hard at growing as a person. And I know, regardless of how hard I work or grow, it may not make a difference in those people’s lives as it will in others.
So, I encourage you to continue to be and give the best of you in every step you take. 🙂
Girl, it’s a tough world out there! Especially in social media! It’s hard to keep a thick skin when people are always trying to tear you down. But, like you said, you gotta know who your friends are and you gotta appreciate them. Sometimes I do think I may say or do things that hurt others — but these actions are unintentional and I always feel badly after. But I just have to do the best I can every day. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but it’s the only way! Thanks for sharing, too!
People given over to fear and insecurity manifest this in various ways, from petty jealousies to overt hatred. It is very common for the beautiful to experience this, and one who has the rare combination of beauty, smarts and talent such as yourself might experience a torrential amount of it. It isn’t so much you personally as it is the perception of what their deficit is. What it could possibly be is a distorted admiration for what you possess. Two of the prettiest girls I went to high school with have never attended our class reunions, presumably for these reasons. I have always admired you and laud your inner and outer beauty and the willingness to be transparent as a writer. I love Catherine Toth!
AW, I LOVE YOU, TOO! What a nice comment! Thanks for that! I doubt people are jealous of me, but I do think that the more people who know you, the greater your odds that folks won’t like you — and that’s probably the category in which I have fallen. Sometimes I wish I could disappear and live a smaller life; it would be so much easier! But I just have to try my best to be as good a person as I possibly can — and that’s not a bad goal, either!
It’s probably jealousy, Cat. You seem to be doing so well in life. Keep it up!
Nah, can’t be jealousy! I don’t even own a car! LOL
Hello Cat,
When someone say, I don’t like you, that’s one thing but when they say, I hate you, now that’s evil.
Agreed. I’ve been told both, sadly.
Good Morn’ Cat,
I’m sorry to bring it up, but what video on the Hon. Adv. are you referring? I really don’t remember anything you put on your blog that would have elicit such a negative reaction with some viewers.
Sometimes I notice that your blog entries start to take on a “soul searching” quality. Were this past week’s events the catalyst for these introspective thoughts?
I’d say that as hurtful & petty the complaints, remember to be a real person you can never strive to be someone or something you’re not, right? If an individual has a problem with you, hey it’s a free country so live free…
It was a video I did awhile back about what women hate to hear. It went with a blog about what men hate to hear. I guess it didn’t work. I got REAMED!
haters gonna hate. in my past i tried to figure out why people did not like me to try and “fix” things but in the end it mostly wasn’t worth the effort. i was able to better understand the situation and reevaluate my behavior but sometimes people just hate for their own reasons that don’t have much to do with you at all.
Yeah, I think I’m in the “desperately trying to fix things” stage, too. I really feel compelled to right all of my wrongs, even when I didn’t commit anything “wrong,” per se.
I agree with eddyo. I have never seen any video that would elicit any anger or despise. All of your videos I thought were great.
Aw, thanks. But there was that one. I took it down years ago!
Anyway who cares about them haterz. Life is too short for anger and rage.
everyone has a right to their own opinion but i’d guess that, like melissa mentioned, most “hate” comes from a point of fear or insecurity. i can imagine that to most people you are pretty, talented and successful… someone that could easily intimidate others just by virtue of being yourself. it’s hard to hate someone once you get to know them for who they really are but easy when you make your own assumptions. it’s difficult to overlook the haters that you cross paths with in life but, ultimately, i feel sorry for them because they have to try so hard to knock someone down so they can feel better about themselves.
If anyone tells you they hate you, or you suck, without any reason or further explanation, just look them in the eye, smile, and tell them to F*** Off….and Have a nice day!! 😆
Frankly, one of the biggest problems these days is due to the internet. It’s easy to login under some made up name, and knock people down. After all, there’s little to no consequence for doing so. That’s one of the big reasons why I don’t have my own blog or much of anything else. I don’t need some anonymous a-hole making unjustified comments about me.
In the virtual world, as in the “real” world, some folks are just not gonna like you. No matter what you do, you just aren’t going to be able to please everybody. The people that hate you are the ones to ignore. Like folks that show up to a potluck empty handed, the haters bring nothing to the table. They’re a waste of your time and emotions. In the virtual world, simply delete folks those that make your life Hell. In the real world, stop dealing with those that do the same. If they’re located in your workplace, then confront them. Explain that you feel there is “tension” between the two of you, and ask what the situation is. Also, document the things they do. In this way, you’ll have proof to back yourself up should it all go horribly wrong. You can show those in charge that you’ve made a good faith effort to resolve any conflicts between yourself and your coworkers, and then present to them (management / HR) the list of negative/malicious things that the coworker(s) have done against you.
As my Grandmother Jackson used to say, what people think of me is none of my damn business. Wise words from a wise woman.
Old saying, but true: “It isn’t what they call you that counts; it’s what you answer to.
We’re pulled forward in life by love. Hate will damage, and perhaps destroy, the one who holds hate. Best to make sure we’re not that person.
I hate typos. “she could to get my fired from my job” You teach journalism right?